The Party from Hell
by i AM the Random Idiot
Summary: There’s a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what’s this? Maleficent won’t let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku’s going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound! IT IS DONE.
1. The Invitation

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: Yay for randomosity! This fic takes place somewhere between Agrabah and Monstro of KH1, so don't get confused. Also, I am calling Xehanort's Heartless "Ansem", like in the first game, simply because that's who we know him as at the time. Also, it's easier to type. But all the backstory revealed in KHII is still there—Ansem the Wise, the other five scientists with Xehanort, etc. You don't really have to be familiar with it to get most of the story, I just used it for comic relief (and because I'm obsessive-compulsive about detail).

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Riku, or Chris Farley. Do your worst.

**Chapter One:** **The Invitation**

It started out as another lousy day at Hollow Bastion. Riku had to reorganize the library, repair the lifts, fix the dumb seal in the front hall, wash the windows, clean the floors, and dust off the princesses' glass cases. In short, he had a bazillion freaking chores to do, and he was _not_ in a good mood.

"Stupid freaking witch," Riku muttered angrily to himself as he slapped a mop onto the already pristine floors of the Great Hall. "Ask for help with a rescue, and what do I get?" He flipped the mop up in a passable imitation of Maleficent with her scepter, and mimicked, "_Do this, Riku, do that, or you'll never find your little girlfriend again. Not that I care. I just want someone to boss around and emotionally traumatize. Now go away while I snog the darkness._" He shuddered, slapped the mop down again, and continued, "Honestly, how many coats of paint does one flying buttress _need_? You'd think I was dealing with the evil freaking stepmother or something."

A Shadow randomly wiggled up from the floor next to his feet. Riku stomped on it, ran the mop over the black inky stain it left, and went on ranting without missing a beat, "And if she goes off onto _one more **freaking** tangent_ about how _great_ the _flipping **darkness**_ is, and how **_ownsome_** and **_powerful _**she'll get when that final _door_ gets opened or closed or whatever, I'm going to _take this mop_, and—"

Riku mimed something rather graphic and likely painful involving the mop handle and certain of Maleficent's body cavities. "That ought to _shut her up_."

"Indeed," came a snooty voice from behind him. Riku turned around to see the object of his complaints standing on the stairs with her pet raven on her shoulders.

Riku wrung the mop out in a suggestively threatening gesture, dunked it in the bucket, and coolly asked, "What, you're still here? Shouldn't you be out conquering the worlds or something?"

"Actually," Maleficent sneered, "I was just on my way to consult with an associate of mine. _Don't_ let me get in your way." She took a few steps and pitched forward, catching herself before she fell down the second set of stairs. She whipped around to glare at Riku, whose mop seemed to have tripped her up "accidentally". Riku grinned.

"Whoops," he said, with the best combination of innocence and insolence any fifteen-year-old could muster.

Maleficent's pet raven swooped from her shoulder, defecated on the immaculate section of floor that Riku had just mopped, and sailed back to land on her other shoulder. "You missed a spot," Maleficent sardonically pointed out as she swept from the room. Riku made a very rude hand gesture behind her back.

No, he was _not_ in a good mood at all.

XxXxX

So when the mail came, Riku was quite unprepared for what was to come. The usual Search Ghost arrived with the usual bundle of letters, packages, junk mail, and dirty magazines; Riku took the usual bundle with his usual teenage icy stare, threatened the Heartless with the usual "Beat it before I set the Behemoth on you, provided that stupid Keyhole ever opens, which I frankly doubt," and gave it the usual vicious kick. The Heartless disappeared, as usual, and Riku flipped lazily through the mail...as usual.

Suddenly, something _un_usual happened (gasp!). Riku found a letter addressed to him. Most of the envelopes were labeled to "_Maleficent_," "_Current Resident_," or "_Mally-poo_." (The latter usually came from Captain Hook.) This one was labeled, "_Maleficent and Rico (or whatever the new kid's name is), 1313 Mountain Castle Lane, Hollow Bastion (Zip) 66666_."

"My name has _four letters_, and this guy can't _spell_ it?" Riku asked disbelievingly, slitting the envelope open. He never opened Maleficent's mail (out of sheer "don't-wanna-know"), but he figured he had equal rights to this letter since his name was on it too (albeit misspelled).

It was an invitation. A _party_ invitation.

XxXxX

"Hmm... hmmm... –Ah. Hmm..." Maleficent was busy "hmm"-ing to herself as she read through the invitation, while Riku was over in the corner trying to maintain his suave, fifteen, "couldn't-care-less" coolness (even though he was secretly antsy with impatience).

Maleficent began to read the invitation aloud. "_Come on down to the 'Party from Hell'! Your host: Hades, Lord of the Dead; Location: The Underworld; Date: August 13 _(hmm, that's tonight)_; Time: 7 pm--?_..." Finally, she finished, shrugged, and tucked the card into a pocket somewhere under her robe. "Sounds amusing. I should go get ready."

"So...we're going?" Riku asked with a mixture of incredulity and disguised excitement. He hadn't been to a good party since Sora's thirteenth birthday bash, when Tidus fell out of a tree, prompting Selphie to make out with him while he was half-conscious on a bet. You couldn't _buy_ good times like that.

"If by 'we', you mean 'me', then yes, I'm going," Maleficent said snippily.

"Whoa, whoa, hey," Riku jumped up. "You're not telling me I can't go, are you?"

"Ah...yes, essentially," Maleficent sniffed disdainfully.

"What do you mean, I can't go?" Riku angrily asked. "The invite _clearly_ states, '_**All **villains and **sidekicks** welcome, semi-casual, open bar_.' If you're going to treat me like your stupid _flunky_,"—here he whipped out the list of chores she'd given him that morning for evidence. It was as long as his arm.—"then you _have_ to let me go to this party."

Maleficent scowled, as if the force of his sheer impertinence was giving her a bad taste in her mouth. "It's an adults' party. You can't go. Your job is to stay home and clean the fortress." Without another word, she swept from the room.

Riku glared at her retreating back. He had his mind made up, and nothing in this or any other world was going to stop him.

He was _going_ to go to that party.

XxXxX

_Meanwhile, in some random location in the Realm of Darkness..._

"Oh, Your Supreme Seeker-of-Darkness-ness!" Ansem's magical guardian-person walked into the kitchen to see his master doing the crossword and eating Lucky Charms out of the box.

"My loyal guardian!" Ansem called out, expelling a mouthful of half-chewed hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons. "Help me out here. I need an eight-letter word for 'absence of light.'"

Ansem's Guardian (whom I shall call Bob from now on, because that was his name) thought for a moment. Was his master feeling well? The answer was not only obvious; it was his master's favorite word. Maybe this was a test. "Ah...'darkness,' milord?" Bob ventured cautiously.

"ABSOLUTELY _NOT_, YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A SOUL-STEALING DEMON!" Ansem exploded. Bob cringed. Ansem took a deep breath and explained, "_Obviously_, my well-meaning but sadly mistaken friend, they want us to _think_ the answer is darkness. The _true_ answer clearly must be..._pancakes_." He filled _pancakes_ into his crossword, spelling it with two _k_'s.

"Of course, Master Ansem," Bob said. Anything Ansem said was always right, no matter what. "I brought in the mail," he offered, plunking the pile onto the table.

While Ansem lunged for the _Victoria's Secret_ catalog, Bob examined an envelope addressed to "_Ansem and Bob, Random Location in the Realm of Darkness_."

"Master Ansem? There appears to be an invitation for us to attend some sort of fiendish bash," Bob said after reading the letter. Ansem swallowed another mouthful of sugar-encrusted, magically delicious breakfast cereal, and snatched the invite.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah..." he muttered. His hellfire-orange eyes flicked back and forth along the page as he read. Then, they narrowed angrily. "WE DECLINE!" he roared, crushing the letter in his hand and burning it to ashes for emphasis.

Respectfully, Bob asked, "Of course, milord, but may I ask...why?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Ansem rolled his eyes. "Mister _I-can-throw-a-better-party-than-Ansem-Seeker-of-Darkness_ _Hades_ is trying to show me up. He wants to show that he could rule the world better than I could. A LIKELY STORY!"

Ansem took a deep breath and continued, "_I _could throw a better party than him with my _eyes closed_! No, with my eyes torn out by the roots and both hands tied behind my back! HA!"

"So...why not throw your own party the same night?" Bob ventured hopefully.

"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, YOU HALF-WIT HALF-LIFE!" Ansem exploded again. "The party's tonight! I can't set up my own in ten hours; who do you think I am? _Sephiroth?_ NO. When I rule the universe, I will throw _all the parties I want!_ Drinking, dancing, smooching, more drinking, more dancing, naked women jumping out of cakes..."

Bob hesitantly pointed out, "But...what if no one comes?"

"What—WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS _THAT?_ OF _COURSE_ THEY'LL COME!"

"But...but who will you invite?" Bob winced, expecting another round of verbal abuse.

Ansem filled his lungs to deliver said round of verbal abuse—and stopped short. Who _would_ he invite? He had no friends—unless you counted Bob and the rest of Ansem's legions of Heartless. Not much of a party scene there. His five other science buddies had long been consumed by the darkness, as had his former mentor, Ansem the Wise. Ansem suddenly had a horrible mental image of his old teacher pointing at him and laughing. _I may have had my name, research, pride, and dignity stolen,_ he seemed to be saying, _but at least I knew enough people to throw a **party** if I wanted! Maybe you can stay home and do the Macarena with Bob! LOSER! I always knew you'd amount to nothing, you no-good, dirty-rotten, lazy-ass plagiarist! Ahahahahahahahahahah..._

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! NEW PLAN!" Ansem bellowed in an effort to drown out the derisive laughter of Ansem the Wise. "We sneak into the party tonight, write down the names of every single person attending, and throw our own party some other time. Possibly when I have regained a body. Or taken over the universe."

Bob secretly breathed a sigh of relief. Normally, Master Ansem would kick him around for a bit if Bob had a better idea than he did. "Marvelous plan, milord."

"Of _course_ it's marvelous. Pure genius."

"Indeed, milord."

"Oh, and Bob?"

"Yes?"

Ansem shook his head. "You really should work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem," he said, adding, "you stupid freak."

A/N: Well? WELL? Every time you read without reviewing, Ansem throws something at Bob. For Bob's sake, please review!


	2. The Stowaway Band Member

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: I left Organization XIII in. I mean, they technically existed during KHI, right? We just didn't see them (except in Final Mix, lucky Japs). Obviously, though, Roxas does not exist yet, so...I'm sorry.

Roxas: You're mean.

iAtRI: Would you like to do the Disclaimer? Will that shut you up?

Roxas: Yaay! Okay, i AM the Random Idiot does not own anything that is anybody else's property. Also, the song Demyx sings is "Just the Girl," by Click Five. Go listen to it.

**Chapter Two: The Stowaway Band Member**

Demyx picked at the strings on his sitar moodily. "Are we there yet?" he whined. "Do you even know where this world _is_? I think we're lost. I have to pee. I wanna..."

"Demyx," Saïx said in his amazingly sexy monotone, "If you don't give it a rest, I'll personally shut you up."

Having his head smashed in by Saïx's Claymore didn't really appeal to Demyx, so he fell silent. For about three minutes, that is. "Axel, _are we there yet?_" he whined again.

Axel shouted back from the driver's seat, "We're stopping at this world for directions, _okay?_ Sit down, shut up, and _stop playing that sitar, Nine_!"

Normally, the Organization traveled to their destinations using the corridors of darkness, true, but there was a minor problem for our trio. One, they had no clue where they were going; two, they needed their combination tour bus/gummi ship to house their equipment because they couldn't carry it on their own; and three, they wanted to make an entrance. After all, they _were_ the party band.

The bus screeched to halt in front of a huge castle. "That's a _big_ castle," Demyx said in awe, staring up at it. "Do you think it's as big as ours?"

Axel frowned at the crumbling stone edifice. "Well, it certainly isn't as _clean_..." he muttered.

"Yeah, but all that surgical white gets boring," Demyx pointed out. "It makes me feel like we live in a crazy-people hospital."

Saïx rolled his golden eyes. "What makes you think we don't?" he deadpanned. Of course, deadpan was the only way that Saïx knew how to say anything remotely funny, so...yeah.

Demyx stuck his tongue out at Saïx, pulled his hood up and walked up to the large castle doors and knocked twice on the door. Axel and Saïx looked at each other, shrugged, pulled up their own hoods and ran after Demyx.

After a few moments, they heard a rusty bolt being thrown back. The immense wooden door creaked inward, and a head poked out. Bright cyan eyes scrutinized the three black-hooded figures from beneath an unruly mop of silver hair. It seemed to be a youth of about fifteen to sixteen. He looked them over, and then pronounced, with perfect couldn't-care-less teen surliness, "We don't give money, we don't like charities, and we don't buy raffle tickets." He turned to go, but then turned back and hissed, "Are you narcotics traffickers? Because seriously, I'll take anything right now."

Demyx shook his head, and pulled his hood down ("What was the point of pulling it up, then?" Axel complained to Saïx.) "Actually, uhh, we just need directions to, umm..." He pulled out the invitation that they'd received and read from the card, "The Underworld? Yeah, we got a little lost on the way to this party, and we're, like, _the band_, so..."

The teen's eyes narrowed. He opened the door completely. "You're going to the 'villains' party' in the Underworld?" he demanded. Demyx blinked. "Uhh...yeah," he said.

The teen thought for a moment, and then said, "My name's Riku, and I'm supposed to be there, too. I'll get you to Olympus Coliseum, but only on the condition that you sneak me in."

"Well, kid, if you're 'supposed' to be there, why are we sneaking you in?" Axel asked, clearly enjoying himself.

Riku scowled. "There's an issue with my...uh...'guardian' about whether I should go or not, but I'll be damned if I listen to her. Do you want me to get you there or not?"

Demyx, Axel, and Saïx huddled together like a football team before the final play. "Well, we _need_ to get there..." Demyx pointed out.

"...And we really don't care what happens to this child or not..." Saïx continued tonelessly.

"...And I'm all for a little anarchy anytime," Axel finished, grinning maniacally for no good reason. His emerald green eyes glittered with mischief. "Let's do it."

They turned back to Riku. "You've got a deal," Demyx said.

XxXxX

"You know, this was a better idea than I could have hoped," Axel remarked to Saïx in the cockpit of the ship. "Demyx has not whined _once_ since we picked that kid up."

"You say that like I'm capable of caring," Saïx said monotonously. Axel rolled his eyes.

"On the other hand, I've been reminded of how much I can't stand _you_," he remarked. "You're such a..._right-wing stiffneck_."

"Conniving anarchist," Saïx retorted.

"Puppet of the establishment!" Axel mocked.

"Bleeding-heart liberal communist."

"Ha! I'm a Nobody, just like you—I have no heart to bleed!" Axel laughed triumphantly.

"Then that makes your position all the more pathetic, doesn't it?" Saïx smirked, though the rare display of expression didn't reach his eyes. They never reached his eyes.

While those two argued in the cockpit of the tour bus/spaceship, Demyx kept a steady stream of conversation running with Riku. "I love being in a band," Demyx said wistfully. "When I used to...uh...before I was...when I was little, I always dreamed of playing my music for an audience. Now that I'm...well, now I usually don't have time, so I like to make the most of it."

"That's great and everything, Demyx," Riku said, stumbling a little over the unfamiliar name, "but I just have a question. You told me a little while ago that you and the other two are all 'Nobodies', meaning you don't have hearts. How can you 'love' being in a band?"

Demyx's eyes filled up with tears, and too late Riku realized that Demyx's halting sentences all avoided mentioning that uncomfortable fact. So much for tact. "I...I..._I do **too** have a heart!_" Demyx wailed. "_Otherwise, how can I feel so **alone?**_"

"He's in denial, I forgot to tell you," Axel shot back from the cockpit, putting aside his argument with Saïx for a moment to inform Riku of this minor detail (a little too late).

Riku, feeling very guilty for hurting this little man's (Demyx looked barely out of his teens, actually) feelings or lack thereof, so he hastened to change the subject. "Hey, well, what do I know? Umm...what kind of music does the band play?"

Demyx sniffled a few more times, and then seemed to completely forget being sad. "Oh, we play everything!" he said happily. "Everything good, anyway. Mostly rock and metal and stuff. I'm lead sitarist, Saïx plays bass Claymore and back-up vocals, and Axel is the drums." Demyx pointed out Axel's drum set in the corner, which utilized Axel's signature chakrams in lieu of cymbals.

"Oh. Cool," Riku said, a little thrown by the immediate change in mood. "What's the name?"

"Oh, we have the best name," Demyx assured him. "We're... _Seven Ate Nine_! Oh, yeah!"

Riku blinked. "Seven... Ate... Nine?" he repeated disbelievingly.

"Get it?" Demyx asked eagerly. "It's like that old joke, 'Why is six afraid of seven,' plus they're our numbers. Saïx, Axel, me—seven, eight, nine. Okay, maybe it isn't that good, but it works." Demyx's grin faded slightly. Riku just blinked again.

"Numbers?" he asked.

Demyx got all excited that he got to explain more things (he really needed to get a hobby). "Well," he explained conspiratorially, "we—that is, Saïx, Axel, and I—are really three members of a secret organization of powerful N—I mean, _special people_. There are twelve members—the Superior, then Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion, Saïx, Axel, me, Luxord, Marluxia, and..." Demyx's face took on a dreamy quality. "..._Larxene_," he sighed. "She's the most beautiful, wild, amazing woman I've ever met."

Suddenly, Demyx's sitar appeared in his hand, and he started jamming out some power chords and belting, "_Cause she's bittersweet/ She knocks me off my feet/ And I can't help myself/ I don't want anyone else/ She's a mystery/ She's too much for me/But I keep coming back for more..._" Demyx strummed one last chord, and bawled the last line, "**_She's just the girl I'm looking for!"_**

A chakram flew by his head, and he barely ducked in time. "Stop singing!" Axel yelled. Demyx sighed theatrically. "The sacrifices I make for art and music," he said, throwing a wink at Riku, who fought to hide a smile. Demyx was a pretty cool guy when you got right down to it.

"Demyx, that was really good. You should sing that for Larxene," Riku pointed out. Demyx's face fell, and he shook his head. "Larxene doesn't love anyone," he said sadly. "She barely even acknowledges that I exist..."

"You don't," Saïx told him.

"**YES I DO**," Demyx yelled. "I DO, I DO, AND I DO!"

Saïx rolled his eyes, and turned back to steering the ship.

With that little temper tantrum out of the way, Demyx turned to Riku. "So what do you do in your spare time?"

Riku shrugged. "When I'm not cleaning the castle, calling in for pizza, covering Maleficent's underwear in itching powder, running stupid 'retrieval' missions, or sneaking out to scour the galaxy looking for my _two best friends_... I'm usually watching a lot of Saturday Night Live."

Demyx nodded. "I know what you mean," he sighed.

"We're almost there, children, so be ready within an hour," Axel called back, mocking them. Demyx stuck his tongue out.

"Uh... how are you guys getting me in?" Riku asked, a sudden feeling of foreboding stealing over him. Demyx got that "ooh, goody" look in his eyes.

He held up one finger (not the middle one, in case you were wondering, idiot). "One minute," he said, and dashed off to some unknown part of the ship. Riku raised an eyebrow.

After a bit, Demyx returned. "I'm going to pass you off as one of us," he explained. He handed Riku one of the Organization's long black cloaks.

"_Sweet!_" Riku grinned, and he put it on. With the hood up, he couldn't see his own face. "Very cool."

"But, um, there's something else," Demyx added. "You need to disguise your features, too; otherwise you'll just be recognized once you get in. Now, for your eyes, I have this." He held up a seemingly nondescript black cloth.

Riku picked it up and looked at it in confusion. "Uhh, thanks, Demyx, but I don't see how walking into walls will help me maintain a secret identity," he said.

"Put it on and see," Demyx encouraged.

Riku tied the blindfold around his eyes and got a huge shock when the world refused to go black. "Holy—I can see through this!" he gasped. Demyx grinned smugly.

"One-way blindfold," he explained. "I originally got it for cheating at the party games—piñatas, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, blindman's bluff, seven minutes in heaven... Anyway, now we have to do something about that _hair_..."

Riku blanched. "Oh, no. Not the hair. Never the hair. Please, no. NO. _NOO!_"

XxXxX

_Meanwhile, in some random location in the Realm of Darkness..._

"Bob!" Ansem wailed. "I just realized something _important!_"

Bob dropped his teddy bear and hurried to his master's side. "Yes, milord?"

Ansem looked as close to tears as he'd ever been in his non-life. "I... I... _I have nothing to wear!_"

Bob had no idea what to say, but he was saved answering when his master worked himself into another rant. "I can't wear anything—_I have no body! _Yes, it looks like I do, but that's only here in this random location in the Realm of Darkness! In the physical world, I'm nothing but a glowy-looking mist and a butt-ugly brown coat. Why can't I have a sexy black coat, like my Nobody, Xemnas? What kind of name is 'Xemnas' anyway? I mean, rearrange the letters, and you spell 'man sex'! That's not the kind of subliminal message I want sent to my children! I don't even _have_ children!"

Ansem took a fortifying sip of tea...from a cup of tea that seems to have been there the whole time without me noticing. "Where was I?"

"Not having a body?" Bob prompted.

"Oh, right. Thank you, Bob. As I was saying..."

XxXxX

_Riku has now finished dyeing his hair..._

"**_HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF TETSUYA FREAKING NOMURA!_**" Riku shrieked, his voice cracking at a pitch quite unbecoming to a fifteen-year-old guy. He had just looked in a mirror for the first time after Demyx finished coloring his hair. "**_WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?_**"

Demyx cringed. "What? Your hair looks fine," he ventured timidly.

"**_YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WOULD TURN OUT PINK!_**"

Demyx shifted guiltily. "We're passing you off as Marluxia," he explained. "We had to make it authentic."

Axel walked in, got a good look at Riku, and collapsed in hysteria.

XxXxX

_We now rejoin Ansem and Bob..._

"...and they never make shoes in my size, or _skirts_ for that matter, and _I like skirts_! I have Scottish blood in me, you know..."

_...Never mind._

A/N: Yes, I did it! I put Blindfolded Riku in there. It's not my fault we don't see enough of him in the game! Geez. Every time you read without reviewing, Riku smacks Demyx for ruining his hair. Please, think of Demyx!


	3. The Party from Hell

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: This chapter doesn't seem as funny to me, although my betas love it. If you don't find it very funny, don't worry: the next chapter is where we kick it up a notch. The song the band sings is _There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought of it Yet_, by the band Panic! At the Disco. Remember: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery—that's the defining principle of fanfiction!

A lot of the dialogue jokes are inspired by Kingdom Hearts: The Stupid Files, a series of spoof fan videos on YouTube. I highly, highly recommend them, although be wary of the swearing and OOCness.

Disclaimer: Don't own KH, Riku, any villains I spoof, or Panic! At The Disco.

**Chapter Three: The Party from Hell**

Hades was standing in front of his mirror, oiling his fire-hair and giving himself his pre-party pep talk. "All right, baby, you're gonna rock this show tonight!" he muttered. "Knock 'em dead! Who da man? _You_ da man! Who da man? _You_ da man..."

"Who's the man?" came a snooty, superior, and all-too-familiar voice from behind him. Hades whirled around to see Maleficent, who'd just poofed in. "Holy flippin' fires of Tarterus!" Hades gasped, putting a hand to his heart. "What, woman, you wanna send me into cardiac arrest? Huh? What's wrong with you?"

Maleficent smirked. She loved being one of the few people who could rattle Hades on a regular basis. "Oh my. I didn't _scare_ you, did I?"

Hades took a deep breath to steady himself, and regained his composure. "You're a bit early, Maleficent my sweet. Whatever for?"

"I wanted to see _you_," Maleficent purred. Hades involuntarily shuddered. "...And see if you had bumped off that hero of yours before you get caught up in entertaining your guests," she added.

"Okay, never ever say that first sentence again," Hades ordered. "Since when do you demand status reports? I'm not an angsty teen in high school, you know. Speaking of which, how's the Mexican?"

"..._Mexican?_" Maleficent asked incredulously, very confused. "Where did _that_ come from?"

"You know, the new kid you keep parading around? What was the name—Pedro? Chico? _Rico_, that was it!"

"Ahh..." Maleficent recovered her usual slightly amused, supercilious look. "I see we have a misunderstanding. His name is Ri_ku_, and he is _not_ Mexican."

"Really? He's not?" Hades looked disappointed. "Aw, man! I had all this great politically incorrect material ready to go! The Mexican jokes are classic stuff!"

Maleficent rolled her eyes. "Well, I apologize for depriving you of the opportunity to mock a vast ethnic group for your own personal enjoyment."

"No, really, why are Mexicans like cue balls?" Hades pressed, determined to make his point. Maleficent didn't deign to respond. "The harder you hit them, the more English they pick up! _Ay, Dios mio_!" Over to the side somewhere, a lost spirit played a quick three-beat riff on the drums. Hades grinned like a madman, waiting for Maleficent to "get it".

"You're hopeless," Maleficent sighed, and poofed out. Hades' grin faded. "Stupid freaking witch," he muttered under his breath.

XxXxX

"Axel, are we almost there?" Saïx monotoned (yes, I did just make _monotone_ into a verb).

"We're in _sight_ of the damn planet, _geez_," Axel snapped. "What—are _you_ all up in my grill now, huh? You sound like Demyx."

Saïx, ignoring Axel's comment, continued, "Then, I can end this charade?" An almost-smile just barely grazed the corners of his lips.

Axel gave Saïx his best "WTF?" look. "You're weird," was all he could say.

Meanwhile, Demyx was doing his best to get Riku to come out of the closet.

**_No. Wait. _**

I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. "_Emerge from the storage locker_." There, that's better.

Meanwhile, Demyx was trying to get Riku to emerge from the storage locker. "Riku, come on!" Demyx pleaded. "It's not that _bad_! Axel _routinely_ laughs himself into a coma! It's part of his, um, daily fitness regimen!"

"_Liar!_" came a muffled yet recognizably angry shout from inside the storage locker.

"Listen, it's just to get you in," Demyx tried to reason with him. "I botched the job, okay? _I'm_ certainly not going to laugh at you, Saïx is incapable of caring, and Axel will eventually forget...someday."

"You expect me to believe that? The guy's freaking _catchphrase_ is 'Got it memorized!' He'll _never_ forget, and neither will I. _You've scarred me for life_."

"Fine." Demyx, desperate, went for the reverse psychology approach. "Stay here and miss out on the party of your young life. I'm sure the dye will rinse out when you go home and back to mopping floors like, I don't know, Cinderella or somebody."

The ruse worked. After a sullen silence, Riku came out, Marluxia's scythe in hand. "Don't make Cinderella jokes to me," he warned. "I have to intravenously feed her and clean out her bedpan _every day_. She's lucky that Oogie Boogie or somebody hasn't raped her yet."

"Duly noted," Demyx shuddered.

"Also, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to decapitate myself with this thing," Riku added, gingerly resting the head of the lethal pink weapon against his shoulder. "It's so _heavy_."

"Yeah, maybe you should leave it here," Demyx said nervously, imagining terrifying images of a crazed, hormonal teenage guy running through a crowded room swinging the scythe wildly, shouting _WHEEEEEE!!!!! _(He knew how scary it was. He'd been that crazed, hormonal teenage guy once.) "Besides, if you lose it, Marluxia will kill me."

"Yeah," Riku agreed, and propped it against a wall. Suddenly, the ship entered atmosphere, just as Demyx spotted a penny on the floor.

"Dibs!" he shouted, and leapt onto the floor for it, while the atmospheric turbulence rattling the ship knocked the scythe loose from the wall. Riku, rooted to the spot, saw the scythe descend as if in slow-motion. **_NOOOOO,_** went his mind, but he couldn't say a word. The sharp blade sheared down...and sliced off the top half of Demyx's hair.

Demyx froze. Too late, Riku squeaked in an unnaturally high pitch, "Watch out for the...scythe." Instead of his former shoulder-length tumbleweed hair, Demyx now sported a flat-top, with a few wispy, not-chopped hairs hanging around his face, and a mullet where the back-of-head hair had escaped pink scythy retribution.

"WHAT DID YOU DO??" Demyx screamed, feeling his head. Riku squeaked, "Umm, umm, umm, ummm..."

Demyx dashed over to the mirror, where merely minutes before, Riku had suffered his own hair-related indignity. Talk about karma. Demyx stared at his reflection, open-mouthed. "_Oh, my God!!"_ he shouted. Riku braced himself... "_That is SO GNARLY!!_"

"...It is?" Riku asked, bowled over with relief and disbelief.

"Why didn't I think of it before? TOTALLY EIGHTIES! ROCK ON!" Demyx announced, drunk with hair-ecstasy. He was overcome, and suddenly hugged Riku. "_Thank you!_" he sobbed. "You're, like, my best friend!"

"Uhh..." Riku patted him on the back a couple of times. "Yeah."

XxXxX

_Meanwhile, in some random location in the Realm of Darkness..._

"So, Bob, you _are_ perfectly clear on the plan, correct?" Ansem threatened. Bob drew himself erect and nodded proudly. He was dressed impeccably in a black suit and tie, and classy black shoes. If not for his demonic facial appearance (as befitting a Heartless of his station), he could have passed for any respectable businessman. Ansem, having no body, elected to go in his noncorporeal misty coat form. Meaning that technically, in a practical, metaphysical sense, for all intents and purposes...he was going naked.

"Yes, Master Ansem," Bob said proudly. "I am to go and mingle amongst the party-goers, assimilate myself into their good graces, and take their names down for use as a guest list at a party of our own devising."

"Good boy. Meanwhile, I will be hanging with the chicks," Ansem grinned hungrily. "Although..." His grin faded slightly. "It will be hard to mingle with hot women without a body to enjoy it with. Bob, I'll have to ask you to alert me to the presence of any men that the ladies at the party find attractive. Perhaps I can pull off a body swap."

"As you wish, Master Ansem," Bob said, silently thinking that _no one_ could _possibly _be monumentally _stupid_ enough to willingly hand his body over to the dark powers to use as they please. Surely not.

"See if you can get someone as close to my original hair color as possible," Ansem added, flicking back his illusory long platinum locks with a sigh of regret that he'd have to give them up in the physical world. "Da ladies _love_ da silver!"

"Of course Master Ansem," Bob said. Translation: _Oh, yeah, like out of the maybe **five **people who are attractive and brainless enough for you, there'll be one with your exact hair color. Why don't you go all the way and ask me to get you **Sephiroth**, dumb-ass?_ But Bob would never say such a thing—he was even ashamed to think such a thing. Master Ansem would be so displeased.

Ansem, unaware of his partner's mutinous thoughts, grinned evilly. "Then, Bob, my fellow soul-eating demon...let's crash a party."

XxXxX

_Riku and the band have now arrived at the party..._

Axel suddenly jerked around, as if a bug stung him. "Did you hear something?" he demanded. Saïx, Demyx, and Riku shrugged in unison. "No," Demyx said. "Like what?"

"Oh, just felt like someone using a crappy, half-assed scene transition," Axel muttered, throwing wary glances at the sky. Riku raised an eyebrow at Demyx, who twirled a finger next to his ear in the universal gesture for "somebody's loopy."

An enormously fat, felinoid creature was the bouncer. "Pete's the name," he growled at them, evidently expecting them to be impressed. They weren't. "Are you punks on da list?"

"_No_," Axel said, his voice oozing sarcasm. "We're gate-crashers who killed the band and stole their identity, clothes, and equipment."

"Humph. Nice work," Pete conceded. All present rolled their eyes.

"No, you blithering imbecile, _we're_ the band," Saïx stepped in. "Saïx, Axel, Demyx, and...Marluxia. We should be on the list, so let us in before I kill you simply for being a nuisance."

The icy-cold promises of death from Saïx made Pete rethink the whole list. "You know what, go right on in," he gulped.

As Riku took his first steps into the Underworld, he finally, truly grasped the concept of the _Party from **HELL**_. "Holy sh...cow," was all he could say.

The entire Underworld was _packed_ with villains of all shapes, sizes, races, genders, nationalities, species, types, descriptions, and degrees of evil. A large stage was set up before the entrance to the Cave of the Dead (and therefore, the path to Hades' private chamber). Most of the spacious cavern was taken up by a large dance floor paved with the bones of murderers and thieves (Hades liked to go for the dramatic). A large green punch bowl big enough for Riku to swim in was located at the exact geographic center of the cave. As for the bar...it was big. So big, in fact, that most of it was floating on the Lake of Departed Souls.

Axel summed it up. "_Let's rock this joint!_" he shouted, grinning his pyromaniacal smile.

"No cave fires," Saïx strictly ordered. "We play the damn music, turn some jerks into Nobodies and Heartless so we can control their immortal souls for the rest of eternity or at least until we get our hearts back, and then we leave."

"Aww..." Axel scowled. "You never let me have any fun..."

"What...is...fun?" Saïx asked slowly, cocking his head to the side in apparent curiosity.

"You must have been a stiffneck even _before_ you lost your heart. Trust me, with the A-train eating up this Popsicle stand, you'll loosen up before the night is out," Axel told him.

"Never."

"Five bucks says I can."

"You're on." Saïx gave a cold smirk.

Meanwhile, Demyx and Riku did their secret handshake (it involved pounding forearms, like Roxas and Hayner in the Day Two scene. Not too hard to figure out). "We've gotta get on stage now, but there are a lot of bands here. I'll catch up with you on our break. Axel and I usually have a contest to see how many party pranks we can play before getting found out."

"What's your record?" Riku asked.

"Four hundred seventy-three pantsings," Demyx said proudly. "We got the same guy sixteen times in a row, what a loser. Anyway, meet me after the show by the stage for a fun time."

"Demyx, that sounded really, really wrong," Riku cautioned him before running off to do teenage party things.

"Kids these days..." Demyx sulked.

Of course, none of them fully realized that they had just left an angsty, hormonal fifteen-year-old with pink hair and a trick blindfold alone at the Party from Hell, in the company of over forty-thousand villains.

Oh, crap.

XxXxX

Ansem and Bob have now arrived at the Party...

"Here's a walkie-talkie," Ansem said, handing Bob a Barbie Princess® handset. "Your code name is George the Destroyer. I'm Master Sexy-Sugar. Operation F.A.A.B.U.L.O.U.S.S. (_**F**ind **A**nsem **A** **B**ody **U**nder **L**adies' **O**gle-worthy **U**ltra-**S**exy **S**tandards. Go figure._) is now underway."

"Yes, Master Sexy-Sugar. I will go forth and carry out the plan," Bob quickly said, and dashed off to mingle with the crowd. It was great not having to hang around Ansem for a while—usually, Bob had to jump out at people who annoyed Master Ansem and shake them around for a bit, popping up and draining their HP and the like, while Master Ansem shouted something suitably threatening like, "**_SUBMIT!!!_**" Bob usually tried to apologize to these unfortunates later, but they often by then were dead.

A loud fanfare drew everyone's attention to the stage. Hades poofed onto the stage in a cloud of hellfire and infernal smoke. The crowd cheered in appreciation. He held up his hands for silence, and the crowd hushed in anticipation of his usual welcome monologue. He grinned. "Thank you for coming! I'll see you in hell!" With that, he poofed out.

The crowd went wild. This was pure showbiz, and they ate it up. Onstage, the curtains drew back, and Seven Ate Nine started right into their first number.

Bob, unbeknownst to anyone, even Master Ansem, was a butt-kickingly good dancer (It's been said that his Nobody was a Dancer as well). Demyx began singing, "_Please leave all overcoats, canes, and...top hats/ With the doorman/ From that moment, you'll be out of place and under-dressed..._" and Bob started owning the dance floor. A gold-tipped cane and jet-black top hat materialized in a crackle of dark energy, and Bob began a complex tap dance routine, to many appreciative whistles and scattered applause. Bob grinned—he was having the time of his non-life!

Meanwhile, Ansem was putting phase two of Operation FAABULOUSS into action. He randomly glided about amongst the party-goers, occasionally swiping a drink from a tray or copping a feel of some unfortunate female's behind, causing whoever it was to whirl around and slap the closest guy, whom no one would believe because come on, it's a party of villains. (That was a long sentence. Whoot!) Ansem smiled with satisfaction. It was good to be the bodiless specter of darkness.

Finally, he made it to his target: the large bowl of green punch at the center of the cavern. Glancing around furtively, he took a glass bottle out from one of the pockets of his coat. (wait...what?) The bottle was filled with a smoky dark gray liquid that looked unaccountably sinister. Ansem uncorked the bottle and dumped its contents into the punch bowl, chuckling maliciously to himself. The punch frothed, bubbled, hissed, turned pink, and then settled back to its original color and state. No one seemed to notice.

Ansem threw the empty bottle at some guy, laughed when he fell over, and then strolled (as much as a mist and an illusory coat can stroll) off, jovially humming the last few lines of the song:

"_I've never been so surreptitious, so of course I'll be distracted when I spike the **punch**!_"

A/N: Bwahaha! No one is safe! Next chapter: Meg curses out Maleficent, the band heats up, a speaker explodes, and no one can escape the wrath of the angry bartender...


	4. The Angry Bartender

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: Well, here's Chapter 4! I had so much fun writing this. And of course, I had to insert my most favorite villain of all time: Scar, from the Fullmetal Alchemist anime. LOVE HIM! Any villain requests, just review, and I'll consider them. I also had fun with the Meg/Maleficent conversation. Meg just strikes me as the type who'd curse out an annoying witch if she had to.

Disclaimer: Don't own Kingdom Hearts, Fullmetal Alchemist, anything Disney-owned, or the song "She's a Rebel," by Green Day.

**Chapter Four: The Angry Bartender**

Megaera wasn't having fun. Hades had forced her to come to his stupid party. Not just _come_, of course, but serve hors d'oeuvres in a skimpy dress. Boy when she got her hands on him... Well, let's just say that he and Persephone wouldn't be buying any nursery paraphernalia. It could have been worse, though. She could have been the bartender.

Meg spared a sympathetic glance towards the bar. The aforementioned bartender was currently stirring up a gin and tonic. He slammed the drink down in front of some nameless grave-robber with a growled, "_Enjoy the party_," his intense blue eyes narrowed fiercely, and the blond spikes of his hair quivering with rage and contempt. Yup, he was none other than...Cloud Strife.

Meg had a free moment (she was between trays), so she went over to pay him a visit. "How's it shaking, emo-bitch?" she called.

"Fine, you arrogant whore!" Cloud retorted. Meg grinned to herself. The two of them had struck up a sort of friendship while unwillingly spending their time in Hades' service. They had conversations like this all the time.

"So, seriously, what's up?" Meg asked, claiming a seat as Cloud came over. Cloud grunted. "Ever the conversationalist," she added wryly.

"_He's_ here..." Cloud growled, shaking all over with pure ire. "That **_bastard_**..."

Meg knew of only one person who could spark such a reaction in Cloud. "Oh, no..." she breathed, her ankles going weak with genuine fear. "You don't mean..." Reflexively, she glanced down the bar. Sitting about eleven seats away was the One-Winged Angel of Death himself...Sephiroth. Who currently was sipping at his peach-and-lime daiquiri with a certain dignified "I-could-totally-pown-any-of-these wannabes-with-my-pinky-toe-of-doom"...air. If such an air exists, that is. And if it didn't, Sephiroth had just invented it.

"Has he killed anybody yet?" Meg asked.

"Well, I'm not sure because it was too quick to see, but he might have incinerated about seven deranged fangirls. They don't seem to quite grasp the concept of _dangerous murdering lunatic Squeenix incarnation of Chuck Norris_," Cloud snarled to himself, his fingers drumming a rhythm on the hilt of his Buster Sword.

"Hey, buddy! Whose leg do you gotta hump to get a dry martini around here?" shrieked some annoying antagonist (insert your favorite, I don't care). Cloud sighed. "Well, Meg, looks like I have a job to attend to. I'll talk to you later."

"Have fun," Meg sighed, and picked up her next tray—cocktail weenies in caviar. Privately, Meg thanked the gods that she didn't have to eat the food. She did not go more than three steps before slamming into someone who'd just materialized six feet in front of her. BANG!

The food went flying, and Meg managed to catch a chair before falling on her butt. "Hey, watch it!" she snapped. "It's not wise to poof into a crowded room, dumbass!"

The person turned around. "Excuse me," snarled Maleficent, "but do you know to whom you speak, _wench?_"

"Damn, yeah, Malefi-shit," Meg snapped.

Maleficent's face hardened, and her eyes flashed. "Watch your mouth, you little slut."

"Ooh, she calls me a _name_. Where's your Disney villain dialogue _now_, **bi-atch**?" Meg challenged. At the bar, the Master Chief appreciatively whistled, and there was some scattered applause. Any worthy villain appreciates a good cat fight. "Got a thorn vine stuck up your ass?"

"I don't have unlimited time to squander trading insults with a whore like you," Maleficent sneered. "I have matters to attend to." She turned and stalked off, not even bothering to poof out.

"Stupid freaking witch," Meg muttered to herself, grabbing the tray to take back and dusting herself off. Noticing the stares of the other criminals, she snarled, "What are _you_ looking at, ass-face?" She stalked off in the other direction.

Jabba the Hutt turned back to the bar. "I was born this way," he sulked.

XxXxX

"I'd, umm..." Demyx stammered into the microphone. "I'd like to, uh, dedicate this next, um, song to, uhh...to my, um, associate, umm...to her; her name is, umm..." He was blowing it and he knew it.

Axel quickly covered for him. "THIS ONE GOES OUT TO LARXENE FROM DEMYX!!" he bellowed, and drum-soloed right into Seven Ate Nine's rendition of "She's a Rebel" by Green Day.

Out in the audience, Larxene got the shock (no pun intended) of her non-existent life. Here she was, arrived early at the party to eat something and break a few poor saps' hearts, and all of a sudden, the Melodious Nocturne up and dedicates a song to her! A _song_! To _her_! **_Why?_** Not much of a point when you've lost the ability to love, unless he had some raging hormones that needed quelling; and if **_that_** was the case, she was going to castrate him with an electric toothbrush.

"_Is she dreaming/ What I'm thinking?/ Is she the mother of all bombs gonna detonate?_" Demyx sang at that precise moment, as if he knew her train of thought. (Actually, if he had known her train of thought, he would have fainted dead on the floor, but she didn't care.)

Larxene stood up and shouted in response, "Hell yeah!" She was going to get to the bottom of this quandary if it took her all night! Plus, she'd had a few shots of scotch and whiskey, so her judgment was impaired.

Larxene's angry detonation was delayed, however, by some crazy man jumping up onto the stage. His short white-beige hair stuck up in all directions. His eyes were bloodshot from the apparent amount he'd been drinking, but they would have appeared red regardless, because his irises were crimson. An enormous X-shaped scar on his forehead extended down over his eyes. There was an ornate black tattoo traced all over his right bicep and down his forearm. He was swaying from side to side, clearly dead drunk.

"Foolish villains!" he slur-shouted. What with his brown leather jacket, funky tattoo, small-lensed sunglasses that were currently hanging from his left ear, and crazy appearance, he looked like a deranged biker. "Don't think you'll be spared! You're all using equipment with alchemic modifications!!" The crazy man leapt into the air and bore down on one of the speakers, screaming, "**_GOD JUDGES YOU!!_**"

The expensive piece of sound equipment exploded spectacularly in a scarlet flash of light from the man's tattoo. "_Hey!_" Demyx shouted in falsified anger (although he thought it was genuine, poor sap). "_You, with the scar!** You're messing with my groove!**_"

The scarred man drew himself up with as much dignity as someone who'd just blown up a speaker could muster. After blinking hazily for a moment, he slurred, "Brother..._why have you cursed me so??_" He stumbled backwards, and passed out next to the punch bowl.

The room was silent. Demyx and Axel turned very slowly to look at Saïx. "Did he just call you 'brother'?" Demyx asked hesitantly.

Saïx shrugged. "I've never seen that pathetic nutjob in my life, or lack thereof," he informed them dispassionately.

Axel narrowed his eyes. "I knew it!" he announced triumphantly. "It makes sense—you have the same scar, the same berserker madness, the same lack of fear of public humiliation...SAÏX HAS A LONG-LOST BROTHER!" The crowd burst into spontaneous applause and jeering laughter.

"I do not," Saïx insisted. "I killed every member of my family and feasted on their hearts." The crowd immediately clapped harder.

"Maybe he's a half-brother," Demyx suggested.

"Maybe you should shut up before I put a Claymore-sized indentation in your face," Saïx threatened.

"DENIAL!" Axel accused. Saïx whipped out his Claymore, eyes blazing with synthetic fury. Axel started spinning his chakrams. Demyx started breathing hard.

"Guys? Come on guys, let's finish the song," he pleaded, close to hyperventilating. "You _know_ I have a phobia of confrontation, guys! _(wheeze wheeze)_ Please? Can't we resolve this in a _(pant)_ peaceable manner?" It didn't help that the throngs of bad guys were stamping and chanting, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

Demyx completely snapped and ran off screaming from the stage. It's fair to point out that anyone who's ever seen Saïx in berserk mode would do this, but it's hard to defend Demyx, since he technically can't feel fear...even if he is in denial. Whatever. He's still gorgeous.

Wait a minute...

Larxene froze. Did she just think that? (I bet you all forgot that this segment was still in Larxene's POV. Ha-ha, suckas!)

XxXxX

_Meanwhile, Riku was busy having the time of his fifteen-year-old life..._

"So...what's the blindfold for?" giggled a vacuous brunette, perhaps the ninth girl in forty minutes to ask. Riku flashed his best smile (the one that he, Sora, Wakka, and Tidus scientifically proved to increase female hormonal activity) and used the same cheesy line he'd used on the other eight. "I'm blinded by your beauty, baby," he said winningly.

The girl tittered. "I love your _hair_," she gushed, twirling her fingers in it. "It's so _soft_...and _pink_...What's your name?"

Riku internally scowled. He hated giving his name as Marluxia (what a stupid name, so ridiculously feminine). So, instead, he opted for the mysterious stranger approach. "For you, baby, I could be whoever you want."

"Oooh," the girl giggled, clearly thinking she'd picked a winner. "Want to dance?" She apparently hadn't noticed that the band currently was not playing any music—was, in fact, beating each other to within inches of their half-lives.

Before Riku could answer, a large hulking buzz-cutted guy came up behind the tittering brunette and clamped a protective hand on her shoulder. He obviously was her ex-boyfriend (or current boyfriend, as she was probably a fickle deceiving villainous cheerleader or some other silly stereotype), and he of course could be expected to be one of those generic football-player-bully antagonists that so many teen dramas were lousy with. So unoriginal. "What are _you_ looking at, butthead?" he demanded.

"Your mom, spit-face," Riku retorted. The guy (he probably had a stupid tough-sounding nickname like Flash or Biff or The Juicer, but we'll call him Freddy for today) flushed. "What did you say?" he threatened.

"I _said_, turd-for-brains..." Riku smirked and pointed, "Your mom's here."

Freddy jerked around reflexively. "No, she's n..." he began, but then saw that Riku was pointing at Ursula. He flushed a deeper shade of red. "You're gonna pay for that crack, punk," he growled, throwing a punch that Riku dodged with ease. He threw more punches, swings, and kicks. Riku ducked and dodged them all without moving more than three feet in any direction.

Finally, Freddy just leapt at him, intending to bear Riku to the ground and pummel him there. He mostly missed, but he managed to knock Riku off balance and over on his back. "Now I've got ya!" Freddy shouted triumphantly, panting. His girlfriend squealed with delight at a good view of Riku's rear end (yes, the view was obstructed by his black pants and heavy black cloak, but a rear end as delicious as Riku's remains delicious viewed through any medium).

Therefore, Freddy was taken thoroughly by surprise when Riku curled up and sprang forward, feet-first, as if shot out of a gun. He hit Freddy with such force that the entire crowded room could hear the crunch of Fred's nose. (Not that they gave a damn. Villains, remember?) Freddy fell down, writhing and moaning. Riku flicked an errant strand of pink hair elegantly back into place.

"AAUGHH, MY FACE!!" Freddy screamed. Riku shrugged. "Looks like you got your face kicked in by a guy in a blindfold," he informed Fred without shame or sympathy.

"Oh, wow," the brunette said dreamily. "Even his ass kicks ass."

Riku blew her a jaunty kiss. "Sorry, sweet-cheeks, but I'm questing the galaxy for my long-lost love interest. Maybe if she turns out to be comatose or otherwise taken by my spiky-headed best friend, I'll give you a call." Before she could reply and ruin his dramatic exit, Riku leapt up, grabbed one of the strings of festive party lights, and swung away in a very heroic fashion far across the cavern.

The airheaded brunette hurriedly called, "Wait! What's your name?" The answer floated back to her, sounding a bit exasperated, "_Marluxia, dammit!_"

She put her hand over her heart, clearly smitten. Freddy rose up behind her, face purple and nose splattered all over his visage (ouch). His eyes smoldered. "Who _was_ that masked punk?" he growled.

"Marluxia..." the girl dreamily repeated.

XxXxX

Riku eventually ended up at the bar next to a terrified, panic-stricken Demyx. Demyx was white and visibly trembling, his gloved hands wrapped around a mug of ale. Riku had a glass of punch, but he had been too busy managing Demyx to try it. "They...they were going to hurt each other very badly," he muttered, eyelids twitching. "I...I _hate_ fighting. I'm a _lover_, not a fighter. _Why_ do you think I got into music in the _first place??_"

Riku patted his shoulder. "Dude...chill. It'll be okay." To Cloud, he hissed, "Get him another beer, okay? I think he'll be all right."

Cloud, who had been serving drinks to bitchy villains, was not in a good mood. He whipped out his Buster Sword and smashed Demyx's mug. Demyx, already having a nervous breakdown, squealed, and ducked under the counter, begging, "Please, please, not the face, don't hurt her, they're all dead..." Evidently, he was reliving some horrible, tragic, traumatic memory from his childhood. The villains pointed at him and laughed.

"_Listen_, my girly-haired friend," Cloud snarled, "I've been working this bar _all night_, and I would appreciate if you cut me a _break_."

Riku looked at his watch. "It's 7:30. You've been working for an hour and a half," he protested angrily.

Cloud wrenched his sword free from the counter, and it probably would have gotten ugly, but right then the woman on Demyx's other side let out a piercing shriek and fell to the ground, writhing. "_AAUGHH!!_" she screamed. "**_AAUUHH OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD ZZGLAAGGRHHH!!_**"

Cloud, Riku, and Demyx watched in growing horror as a fully formed Shadow ripped itself out of the woman's chest cavity, à la _Alien_. The woman went limp, her death throes spent. The Shadow dashed off to do funky, Heartless-y things.

The three of them just stared for a full minute in shock, while the unfortunate woman's blood soaked into the cracks in the cave floor. No one else seemed to care. Eventually, Cloud managed to speak.

"...I've never seen the punch do _that_," he finally said.

Riku pushed his untouched glass as far away from himself as possible.

XxXxX

_The saga of Bob continues..._

"So, you say your name is Klara, with a K?" Bob clarified, scrawling the insipid brunette's name in a notepad. Klara nodded, already bored. "I just have one last question for you. Have you found any men at this party attractive? Enough to merit notice, particularly in the rear region?"

Klara immediately perked up. "Marluxia!" she squealed.

Bob took the name down. "What color was his hair?"

"Pink as the dawning sun..." she sighed dramatically. Bob frowned, and put a line through the name.

Riku never did find out that Demyx saved his immortal soul that night by dyeing his hair.

A/N: Wahoo! I love writing this entire story. Next chapter: Riku is bringing sexy back, and the rest of the Organization shows up, including a certain flower-loving scythe-wielder... Will Riku's cover be blown? And _what_ is up with the punch?


	5. The Secret Organization

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: Note that I actually love to death all the songs that I spoof or otherwise make fun of here. Don't spazz on me.

Disclaimer: Don't own any songs mentioned, or Kingdom Hearts, or...much of anything.

**Chapter Five: The Secret Organization**

"I hate parties," Zexion sulked. "People piss me off." The Cloaked Schemer was standing off in a far corner of the cavern, with his arms crossed and an expression on his face that almost looked like the pout of a small child who wasn't getting his way.

"Relax," rumbled Lexaeus, who was standing with him, though not quite as poutily. "You need to get out more. Superior has warned us that he believes you've been cutting your wrists when we're not looking, and he doesn't want bloodstains on the new white tiling."

Zexion looked appalled and betrayed. "He thinks I'm _emo_? I'm not _emo_! Emo kids are whiny pansies that scream and cry and hate life! I **_love_** life! I just hate people."

Lexaeus chuckled. "Well, if you love life so much, why do you listen to depressing music and wear black and have a haircut that prevents you from seeing out of one eye?"

"One, my music is not depressing, it's _philosophical_ and _angsty_; two, we **_all_** wear black; and _three_, do you have a problem with my hair, Big Boy?"

The Silent Hero shook his head. "Denial," he sighed.

"Break it up, you two." Vexen arrived with drinks. "As an organization, we need to remain united and firm. Johnny-come-lately members like Axel and Marluxia may be willing to throw us into discord and chaos, but not us. We are _loyal_, dammit. We are _strong_. We are _coordinated_. We are—"

"We are waiting for our drinks, Four," Lexaeus interrupted. Vexen shrugged. "Whoops," he admitted, and handed Lexaeus his cognac and Zexion his bottle of schnapps. This made Zexion very happy (or rather, made him _seem_ very happy). "Thank Kingdom Hearts," he sighed contentedly. "I needed something to help me endure all this...socialization." He took a pull straight from the bottle that drained a quarter of its contents.

"Well, well, well," came an annoying and familiar voice from behind them. The Underground Trio turned to see Axel, sporting a black eye but still grinning with his trademark crazy gleam in his emerald eyes. Saïx was not far behind him, arms folded and walking with a slight limp, looking none too pleased. Not that he would have ever looked pleased, but...yeah. The upside of being a Nobody is that after an argument, there are no silly grudges to hold.

Axel continued, "Bless my soul, if it isn't Vexy, Lexy, and Zexy. Xemnas' three sexies.

Zexion sneered, "Well, if it isn't Axel, and...Saïx." There was a short pause. "Yeah, that doesn't work as well going the other way," Zexion muttered, scratching the back of his head and taking another huge swig of his schnapps.

"Saïx...why do you continue to allow your reputation to be tarnished by hanging around with Eight and Nine?" the Chilly Academic sighed, completely and utterly contradicting everything he had just berated Lexaeus and Zexion for. Saïx shook his head.

"Not by choice," he informed Vexen.

"Whoa, watch it, Iceman, you'll hurt my feelings," Axel chuckled.

"Do you mean me or Seven?" Vexen demanded.

"You don't _have_ feelings," Saïx impassively informed Axel.

Axel sighed. "Can't make an ironic sarcastic remark anymore without everyone getting up in my grill..." he grumbled.

Demyx chose that moment to finally show up. "Larxene's looking for me!" he hissed, apparently terrified. "I'm not here!" He ducked between Lexaeus and the wall.

"Why do they always hide behind **_me_**?" the Silent Hero lamented.

"Uhh, Demyx?" Axel began, as if something had suddenly occurred to him. "Where's Ri...Ma...our _charge_?" He cast a furtive glance at the Three Sexies (yes, that _is_ their name now), who only looked confused, or in Zexion's case, halfway to drunk and traveling fast.

Demyx was silent for a moment behind Number Five's bulk. Then—"Oh, he and Cloud are supposed to be investigating the weird punch. I was helping, but I heard _she_ was looking for me and I didn't think it would be good." One could almost hear the Melodious Nocturne's knees knocking at the prospect of facing an angry Larxene; no matter how cute she looked when she was angry. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

"If you're referring to the Savage Nymph, Nine," Saïx wearily interjected, "she's currently smashed out of her mind." Sure enough, across the cavern, Number Twelve was slurring along to "Blue" by Eiffel 65. (Hades had decided to DJ in lieu of live entertainment after the Axel-Saïx fiasco.)

"I'm bluuue, duhbuh doo dada daa..." Larxene sang, slopping some more scotch down her front. "'Fah dah la doo doo buh da...sha...dah dah dah..." She giggled vacantly.

"Wow..." Demyx's eyes were the size of dinner plates. "She's really hot when she's wasted..."

"This is a disgrace," Vexen snapped to no one in particular. "This sort of irresponsible behavior is completely unacceptable."

"Aw, come on, Vexen," Lexaeus chuckled. "She seems to be enjoying herself, and Nine is obviously happy."

"Sh'yeah," Zexion muttered. His one visible eye looked unfocused and bloodshot. More than half the bottle of schnapps was gone. "You tell him, Lexsh."

Vexen threw his hands into the air in disgust. "Sure, let's all get drunk and have a good time!" he shouted angrily. "We are a secret Organi-**freaking**-zation! We do not go to parties to get _smashed_ and _embarrass_ our formidable name!"

Axel handed him a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. "If you can't beat 'em..." He shrugged. "Join 'em. Speaking of secret organi-freaking-zations, who-all came?"

Lexaeus began counting off, "Superior stayed home, I think; Xigbar and Xaldin might be coming later, but they weren't sure; Vexen, me, Zexion, Saïx, you, and Demyx are obviously here; Luxord has a Texas Hold 'Em tournament in Port Royal to attend to, but he might show up if he wins fast, Larxene's here, and I think Marluxia came earlier."

Axel froze. "Eleven showed up?"

Lexaeus paused. "...Yeah, I'm positive," he confirmed.

Axel swore and sprinted off.

XxXxX

"Excuse me; have you drunk the punch today?" Riku tapped an alien-looking person on the shoulder. The person turned around.

"Of course I—**_GYAAHH!!_**" he screamed suddenly, clutching his chest and falling to the ground. "**_PAIN! SHEER PAIIINNN_**"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Cloud snapped, seemingly quite irritated as the grayish alien's newly formed Heartless stuck its tongue out at the pair of them and disappeared into darkness, "That's the ninth one tonight. It's _obvious_ what's causing it—that damn punch. The question is, how and why?"

But Riku suddenly seemed to have stopped paying attention—he had stopped moving completely, staring off in one direction vacantly. Suddenly, he began twitching in convulsive movements and spastic writhings.

"**_Dammit, kid, if you drank that shit, I am going to raise you from the dead with a Phoenix Down so I can kick your ass to hell and back!_**" Cloud raged, grabbing Riku by the shoulders and shaking him. "**_SPEAK TO ME, DUMBASS!!_**"

"OH MY GOD, THIS IS MY _SONG_!" Riku screamed in some sort of twisted ecstasy. "I _LOVE_ THIS _SONG_!"

Cloud, frozen in irritation, revulsion, and a sort of confused horror, realized that Riku's apparent paroxysmal seizure was actually his way of **_dancing_**—to the ridiculous music blasting from the cavern's sound system. "Kid, I am going to KILL you!" he shouted in an irate panic. "This is not **_music_**! This is a form of mind-melting _BRAIN REDUCTION_! **FIGHT IT, NUMBNUTS!"**

Riku was not listening to Cloud, however; he was singing along. "I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK!" he wailed. "THEM OTHER BOYS, THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT!"

A horde of screaming girls suddenly ran up. "Oh my God!" they raved. "He's the personification of SEXY!" They began dancing with Riku while he wailed along to the music.

"YOU STUPID IDIOT!" Cloud shouted. "It'll destroy your mind! It kills brain cells by the second! You—Just—LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, **_DAMMIT!_**"

"SEE THESE SHACKLES, BABY, I'M YOUR SLAAAAVE! I'LL LET YOU WHIP ME IF I MISBEHAAAAAAAVE!..."

XxXxX

Ansem and Bob were seated casually close to the dance floor. Bob had his list of names out. "So you see, Master Ansem—"

"_Code names, George!_" Ansem interrupted angrily.

"...Master Sexy-Sugar," Bob corrected himself. "We do not have many options for you. I'd suggest Orlando Bloom, since he did look marvelous in that skirt in the film _Troy_, though you may prefer to wear his Legolas wig..." Why Orlando Bloom was _attending_ the Party from Hell is, of course, anyone's guess.

Ansem scowled, though it was a useless gesture without a body to display it with. "I still say we shoot for Sephiroth," he insisted.

"Of course, Master Sexy-Sugar, but if we do, it would be wise to wait until later in the evening when his judgment becomes impaired," Bob amended, silently adding, _Assuming it _does _become impaired. I gotta get a new job._

"Get him to drink the punch," Ansem insisted, inadvertently wrapping up a subplot, "I spiked it with Instant Looz-A-Heart."

"...Master Sexy-Sugar? You do realize that you are killing off potential guests for our retaliatory party," Bob cautiously reasoned, revealing that he was the only one who remembered their original reason for coming.

"True, but I _am_ gaining Heartless for my worlds-destroying army," Ansem pointed out. "Duh. You need to pay more attention, George. One who knows nothing can understand nothing, you know."

"Of course, Master Sexy-Sugar." Translation: _Well, if all you wanted was more recruits, why not just spike the main water supply on every world you come to, you stupid idiot? The real reason you're here is because you want a body because you lost your own on purpose. Dumbass. _After spending a good hour or so away from Master Ansem and his negative influence on Bob's self-esteem, he'd had a good existential crisis and realized he needed to assert himself more. At least he was thinking mutinous thoughts now—it was another step on the road to self-actualization.

Ansem had gone back to scrutinizing the list. "How about 'Marluxia'? Wasn't he a candidate?" he asked, pointing to the hastily scribbled and crossed-out name. Bob frowned, trying to recall.

"Well...nine or ten women nearly swooned while telling me his name, but I put him on low priority because his hair was pink..."

"Which one is he? Maybe we can work with the hair," Ansem said, casually surveying the dance floor. Most of the villains were dancing, but a few were really standing out. Bob looked as well. "I believe he's the one breakdancing blindfolded," he said, pointing out a gathering around a pink-haired teen madly gyrating next to a blond man who was swearing at him loudly and filthily.

Ansem's mouth fell open. Or rather, it would have fallen open had he a mouth to fall open. You know. "OH MY GOD," he said.

"Yes, milord?"

"LOOK AT HIM!" Ansem bellowed, but it was an excited bellow. "HOLY GOD!"

"...What about him, milord?" Bob asked cautiously.

Ansem was still in shock. "That **_ass_**!" he exclaimed. "Dear God, the sheer amount of raw 'pwnage' in that behind is _astonishing_! It's like a weapon of mass destruction all by itself! I could dominate the universe **overnight** in that ass!"

"Well, he **_does_** seem to be bringing sexy back," Bob observed, as the person shaking the butt in question began to do the "worm".

"I **_want_** that ass," Ansem growled. One could almost hear him licking his nonexistent chops. "I am going to **_have_** that ass. Before the night is out, you are going to **_get_** me that ass. Are we clear?"

Bob gulped. "Y-yes, milord."

Fittingly, the song switched over to "I Like Big Butts."

XxXxX

Axel dashed up to Riku, panting. "Riku, we're in—"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE STUPID MOTHERLOVER UP??" Cloud screamed. Axel blinked. Riku was still dancing. "I _can't_..._make_ him..._stop_..." Cloud explained through clenched teeth.

"I can," Axel said decisively. Cloud raised an eyebrow. "Can you?" he challenged.

Axel leaned in close to Riku. "Kairi naked," he said very clearly into Riku's ear.

Riku passed out cold. The numerous girls surrounding him became very distressed. "Hey!" they objected, until they became hypnotized by the intense, blue-eyed stare that Cloud gave them. "Never mind," they conceded, draping themselves all over Cloud. Cloud merely looked towards the heavens with a long-suffering look.

Axel slapped Riku awake. "What—what happened?" he asked weakly. "The last thing that I remember is Cloud saying something about the ninth person to have the punch, and then everything went black...and then there was something...about Kairi... She brought me back...from the dark..."

"Well, we have no time for that now. Marluxia came, and we have to get rid of him in order for you to keep your cover," Axel briskly explained.

"But...but...I think there were fangirls..." Riku faintly objected. "Can't...can't I stay with them?"

"Riku, which would you rather do: keep your cover or hang with chicks?" Axel asked. There was a long, awkward pause.

"I...have to choose?" He looked shocked. "Uhh..."

"For crying out loud, Axel, he's _fifteen_. What do you think he'll choose?" Cloud interjected.

"Fine, you have no choice," Axel snapped. He dragged a still weak but dimly protesting Riku over to the bar. "Lucky for you, I already have a plan."

"Do you have a plan for every contingency?" Riku demanded, some of his emotional strength returning with a break from dancing.

Axel shrugged. "Well, if I did, I wouldn't tell _you..._"

"Point."

XxXxX

Marluxia was in a corner making a flower chain with roses that still had thorns—apparently he relished the challenge. Axel ran up, panting. "Marluxia," he gasped, "it's horrible. It's something I can't describe. I'm sure I'd be emotionally scarred for life if I had emotions. Don't make me repeat it, I—"

"**What?**" The Graceful Assassin was becoming exasperated, for good reason.

"_Saïx berserked on your rhododendrons."_

Marluxia passed out.

Axel stood up straight. "Well...that was easy." He'd expected Marluxia to zoom back to Castle Oblivion to check on his flowers, where he'd probably get distracted and not come back. He hadn't expected this. Ah, well. Axel hoisted Marluxia up and dragged him over to where Riku was standing guard by the bathrooms.

"Did you really need me for this plan at all?" Riku whined. "My head really hurts."

"Quit whining," Axel briskly ordered. "I need you fully capable in case of emergency." He began dragging Marluxia into the ladies' bathroom.

"Nice," Riku quipped.

"Hey, they usually put flowers in the ladies' bathroom. I'm doing him a favor," Axel pointed out, dropping him in there and taping his hands, feet, and mouth.

Riku frowned; a thought had been trying to make its sluggish way to the forefront of his aching brain, and it had just arrived. "But...won't he just transport himself out once he comes to?" Riku asked.

"Nah, Eleven's a few roses shy of a bouquet," Axel dismissed his fears. "Like, he'll come up with this ridiculously complicated plan that's genius on paper, but then base it around something totally uncontrollable, like the weather, or I don't know, ADD teenagers with raging hormones."

"That's ridiculous," Riku laughed. Then his face clouded over. "Wait, so you disguised me as this guy?"

Axel grinned unapologetically.

XxXxX

While Zexion got raging drunk and began singing emo music to anyone who'd listen, Saïx and Vexen were holding a discussion. "We got here a bit late because the Melodious Nocturne insisted on picking up this kid at Hollow Bastion when we stopped for directions," he half-shouted over Zexion's slurred rendition of "Miss Murder," by A.F.I.

"Whiny teenager, huh?" Vexen said, in an attempt at sympathy. Zexion switched songs in a flash. "Hmmm..." Vexen trailed off.

"_Thurr gonna clean up your looks, with all th' lies in th' books, to make a citizen out'f yooouuu,_" the Cloaked Schemer began, stumbling over most of the words.

"What are you thinking now, Four?"

"Well..." Vexen leaned in. "If you get an opportunity... We could always use members...if you catch my drift."

Saïx shrugged. "It's too early to say if he's a real candidate, so don't start making anagrams just yet."

"Even so...Just one more, Seven. Then we could be Organization...Thirteen," Vexen said with relish, trying out the feel of the phrase. "Only we'd spell it with the Roman numeral...XIII. _That_ would be formidable. **_That_** would gain us respect."

"You might want to run that by Superior first," Saïx cautioned. "Speaking of whom, where is he?"

"He stayed home," Vexen admitted. "He's...busy."

Saïx nodded knowingly. "_Busy_," he repeated.

XxXxX

_At the Altar of Naught, Castle that Never Was, Dark City, World that Never Was..._

A radio crooned in the back ground, "_Youuu...arrrrre...sooo beautifuuuulll..._" Xemnas, Numero Uno of El Organizacìon, poured two glasses of merlot. One he set on the balcony, untouched, and the other he raised to the slightly-larger-than-normal, vaguely heart-shaped moon in the heavens.

"To us," he intoned in his deep voice, and sipped from his glass. "And all our soon-to-be victories."

Next to the untouched glass of wine, there was a black-and-white, slightly grainy photo of the moon set in a gilded frame. If one took a closer look, one would see a message scribbled in the bottom right corner in the sort of spiky, wavery script that one uses to disguise one's own handwriting.

_To my Mansex—_

_You complete me._

Under that was scrawled two ornate letters:

_**K. H.**_

A/N: Xemnas/Kingdom Hearts is the coolest pairing ever.

Next Chapter: Riku is revealed...to everyone except our dear Maleficent. What is she up to, anyway?


	6. The Fatal Deal

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: Happy Xigbar Month! Hope you all don't stuff yourselves too much at the Super Bowl tonight. I have a mother of a headache today, since last night I was at my very first concert—the Goo Goo Dolls! It was only the greatest experience of my young life. I'm still in shock over the fact that my eyes were receiving wavelengths of light that were bouncing _directly_ off Johnny Rzeznik **_in the flesh._** Yeah...

Anyways, enjoy the chapter!

Disclaimer: Shut up and talk to someone whose head isn't exploding from the inside out.

**Chapter Six:** **The Fatal Deal**

"So," Axel said brightly, after he and Riku had locked Marluxia in the ladies' bathroom, "what say we hit up our buddy Cloud for some refreshment?"

"Whatever," Riku said. He was still working on his teen apathy. "I think we left Cloud with the Marluxia fanclub."

"Right, right," Axel muttered. He looked up, got a funny look in his eye, and then said, "I'm going to go look for Demyx—lord knows what kind of trouble he's getting himself into." He dashed off before Riku could drop his apathetic air and protest.

"...Hey!" Riku objected. He jumped up, but couldn't see Axel over the crowd. "I think I'd sell my soul to be six inches taller," he sulked, then adding after a moment of thought, "...and have washboard abs and a tan...and long, flowing locks...yeah..."

"Well, that sounds like something I could arrange," came a voice from directly behind him. _Typical,_ Riku mentally moaned, and turned around to see...Hades. As if you weren't expecting it.

"Buenos dias, shithead," Riku smirked. Ah, well, if he was gonna get caught by the God if the Underworld, he might as well go down with dignity.

Hades chuckled. "You've got real spunk, kid. I like that. Just for that, I'll buy you a taco next time you're in town, amigo. By the way, is pink your natural hair color?" The knowing look in Hades' eyes said that he already knew the answer.

"I don't follow you," Riku said. He was innocent until proven guilty, after all.

"Oh, no hablas ingles?" Hades asked, absolutely murdering the pronunciation. "Tu es in mucho trouble-oso if'n La Grande Muchacha findo tu here...o."

"Uhh..." Riku was unsure of how to reply, so he went for sarcastic disrespect for authority. "I'm sorry, I don't speak Stupid." Not amazingly witty, but his brain was still recovering from the raw beating it had taken from the music and dancing.

"Really?" smirked Axel, who had just shown up with Demyx in tow. "I thought it was your native tongue."

"Hah! I knew the kid was Mexican! She owes me!" Hades triumphantly crowed.

"Are you calling me stupid?" Riku demanded of Axel, not very smoothly. Again, we must not forget that this was a major improvement from his seizure-dancing minutes before.

Hades hastened to add, "No! I'm not racist!" Indeed, a nearby sign proclaimed the Underworld to be an "Equal Opportunity Employer."

Poor Demyx, who had just entered the conversation not of his own free will, scratched his head and moaned, "I'm _really_ confused..."

"Well, then, let's clear it up," Hades declared, glad of an opportunity to get the discussion back on the right track. "I know who you are," he told Riku. "You're that whiny teenage kid that the witch keeps sending off on her errands so _she_ has more time to _bitch_ and _moan_ and get on our backs."

"...So?" Riku asked. His teen apathy was quite improving, he decided.

"SO? So that means that every villain here totally has a grudge on you, man! Or at least the ones under Maleficent's jurisdiction, which still number in the low hundreds!" Hades sputtered (literally; his hair flickered in indignation as he said it). "If I reveal your identity to _anybody_—not just her Shrewish-ness—you are in deep schist, man."

"...So?"

"So I just might do that!"

"...So?"

"So...So...SO why aren't you threatened?" Hades snapped.

"Because," Riku sighed a sigh that was at once smug, weary, and know-it-all, "if you were going to rat on me in the first place, the only reason you'd tip me off beforehand is to see me beg for you not to, and possibly bargain off my soul or something in the process. Which I have no intention of doing. What I _can_ offer is some sort of deal that would seem amusing to _you, _maybe just for you to leave me alone and watch my antics as I try to avoid getting caught on my own ...and hey, didn't you see me dancing earlier?"

Hades blinked. And blinked again. "Kid," he finally said, "you really have this system figured out, don't you?"

Riku shrugged.

"Well," Hades continued, "I might just take you up on that offer. But just remember...you owe me one for not spilling the refried beans to Señorita Burrita. I'll be sure to call in that favor later tonight, muchacho. By the way," he added to Cloud, who had just turned up, panting, with many rips in his clothing and scratches on his face, "get your skinny emo tushie back to the bar where it belongs." With that, he poofed out in a cloud of hellfire and infernal smoke. Cloud flipped him the bird as he went.

Riku turned to Axel. "Thanks, man," he said. "I never would have gotten out of that one if you hadn't stood behind him the whole time and mouthed things to say."

XxXxX

A loud pounding noise was issuing from the depths of the women's bathroom. Inside, one could almost hear muffled shouts.

"_For the love of Miracle-Grow, LET ME OUT!"_

XxXxX

Bob was having no luck whatsoever in finding the pink-haired teen whose butt his master had requested. No matter where he looked, "Marluxia" just didn't seem to be found. Bob was becoming more irritable by the second. "_No_, I would _not_ like to 'fondle your bum,' now **_bug off!_**" he bellowed at a passing pervert.

Bob looked up and happened upon the strangest scene he had ever witnessed. A huge crowd had assembled around one table, blocking the view to whatever was going on thereat. They were all stomping, clapping, and chanting in rhythm, "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Bob pushed his way in to see. "Oh, my..."

Megaera was arm-wrestling Maleficent. Meg was thumping the table with her free hand in a complex pattern, swearing with each impact. Maleficent had her teeth bared in a terrifying grimace, the cords in her neck sticking out like bridge supports. Both women's skin was glistening with a thin sheen of sweat.

"Hey, Maleficent! Girl's got skill!" Oogie Boogie laughed, popping a death's head moth into his mouth. "I don't think you can take her!"

"Hush up, you buffooning sack of insectile vermin," Maleficent snarled, her voice going thin with strain. Meg, sensing weakness, pressed her efforts harder. Bob noticed a shadowy, black-cloaked man at the back of the group, and made his way over to him. The man was chatting up new additions to the crowd.

"Care to place wagers?" the man announced in a crisp, vaguely British, accent. "Odds are on the young one; though don't underestimate the skill of my green-skinned lady! Losers get their hearts eaten out by my associate, Frederick," the man added, gesturing towards another figure standing behind him.

The figure stepped into the circle of light. Dressed impeccably in a white tuxedo, Frederick looked almost exactly like Bob—black skin, muscular arms and torso, sharp talons, long tapering ears, large fangs, and squinty eyes—except that his facial accent marking were blue and gold rather than red and silver, like Bob's. He leered around the table, the very picture of well-dressed terror.

Bob growled low in his throat. "Frederick," he snarled, gaining the momentary attention of most of the gathering.

"My older brother."

XxXxX

Riku, Axel, and Demyx had returned to the bar. Cloud was back to his duties, looking rather more miserable than usual. Privately, Riku whispered to Demyx, "If I ever become that emo, I give you permission to kill me."

Cloud sighed. "You gonna order anything?" he grumbled.

Demyx spoke up. "Scotch and soda, on the rocks."

"Flaming tequila," Axel added.

Riku shrugged. "Do you have a non-alcoholic version of a piña colada?" he asked. He, Sora, and Kairi used to make their own using their own pineapples and coconuts. Sora had once confided in Riku that he hated the taste, but drank them anyway because Kairi liked them. Riku (at the time) had thought that was one of the most ridiculous things he'd ever heard...

He paused in his reminiscing when it dawned on him that the entire bar had fallen silent, all eyes on him. Cloud gave him an incredulous look.

"Kid..." he said, and the bar tensed up in anticipation, "...there _are_ no virgins at _this_ bar!"

The bar erupted in hearty cheers and toasts. Cloud belatedly added, "Except you," as he plunked their drinks down. Riku stuck his tongue out, but took the drink.

"Bottoms up," Axel advised. "First alcoholic drink is a big milestone."

As Riku took his first sip of his first real piña colada, Demyx muttered to Axel, "I think we may live to regret this..."

XxXxX

Frederick grinned a shark-like grin upon recognition of his little brother, Bob. "Well, well, well, if it isn't my pipsqueak sibling, Bobbert the Friendly Heartless. I thought by now you'd have been toasted by Big-Shoes-Sora, Keymaster Extraordinaire."

Bob flinched, for it was a terrible insult for a Heartless to imply to any other Heartless that he might not be a match for the current Keybearer. His loss of composure only lasted about a fraction of a second, though, and he simply smiled. "It's good to see you, older brother. Last I heard, you'd been busted for trying to steal the heart of Paris Hilton—pity you forgot she doesn't _have_ one."

"Oh, that's rich," Frederick retorted scathingly, "seeing as how you never stole the heart of anything more than an _artichoke_."

"You're just jealous because Mother liked me best," Bob challenged.

Frederick's demonic face clouded over frighteningly, and for a moment, it seemed like he really was going to lose control right there and devour the souls of all present. However, right then, Meg gained the upper hand and slammed Maleficent's clenched fist to the tabletop. A rush broke out to collect on bets made on the match, and Fred was needed by the cloaked man.

"I'll deal with you later," he promised Bob, pointing two fingers at his eyes, then to Bob, to make sure he got the message.

Bob stuck his tongue out in an admittedly juvenile fashion. "Oh, _yeah_?" he asked, but before he could stick around for his brother's equally idiotic reply, he spotted something and dashed off.

"Yeah, you better run!" Frederick shouted after him. "Punk!"

XxXxX

Larxene didn't feel so great. Colors kept smashing into one another at high speeds, and the room had developed an annoying habit of splitting in two and whirling around her head while blowing kazoos. She was pretty sure she was drunk.

She began to stumble her way to the bathroom, and made it most of the way before her legs gave out and dumped her unceremoniously into a chair. From there she had an infuriatingly clear view of her destination—the ladies' bathroom.

The door thunked a few times, as if someone inside was slamming into it. The handle jiggled, and suddenly the door flew open, dumping the person leaning against it to the floor. Larxene caught a glimpse of flowing pink locks.

_What is Marluxia doing in the girls' bathroom?_ Larxene wondered, giggling vaguely at the irony. The Graceful Assassin straightened up as best he could with bound hands and feet—he had apparently chewed his way through the tape binding his mouth. "_Finally_!" he raged. "Now I can find Axel, and—**_MMPH!_**" This last exclamation came from the muffling effects of a large bag descending over Marluxia's head.

Larxene's bloodshot eyes widened as she watched a large Guardian Heartless tie the ends of the bag and make off quickly with a huge sack full of an angrily protesting Marluxia slung over his shoulder. She tried to make sense of it, but her alcohol-fogged brain sent angry, painful signals to her, telling her to shut up and get it some aspirin.

"I must be drunker th'n I thought," she slur-muttered, shaking her head.

A/N: GASPTH! Well, this is a development. Reviews are highly appreciated!


	7. The Drinking Contest

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: This is my favorite chapter. Ever. Ever ever. I'm so excited.

Disclaimer: No belongy me.

**Chapter Seven:** **The Drinking Contest**

Maleficent currently was in a foul mood—fouler than usual, if you can believe it. Not only had she been verbally harassed and publicly humiliated by a slimy, skinny, two-bit _romantic interest of a protagonist_ (for a villain, this phrase is the equivalent of "son of a bitch"), but now she had to smile and pretend to be civil to her mortal enemy.

Who? No, not Prince Philip. Worse. The wicked stepmother of the darling Cinderella. Maleficent **_hated_** her. The snooty looks, the ugly dress and hairstyle, not to mention her infernal feline, Lucifer, just drove Maleficent _nuts_. She often complained of her nemesis to Riku for hours, or at least until he interrupted her with some icy, condescending, teenager-esque remark. Hey, at least he pretended to listen for a little while so she could vent without ruining some priceless architecture.

"So," Wicked Stepmother (WS) smiled snootily, "how has business been going? I hope you're treating my stepdaughter well enough—I would hate to lose such a hard worker after you're done ripping her heart out in one of your..._rituals_." She made a sniffing noise, as if she could smell fire and brimstone on Maleficent's clothing, which of course she could not. Maleficent made sure to liberally apply Secret® Villainess Strength Body Spray and Deodorant every day, to keep the stench of evil from ruining her person-to-person relations.

"Oh, she's well-treated enough," Maleficent replied through teeth gritted in a grim rictus of a smile. "My associate makes sure she is comfortable in her unconscious state, and as soon as I use her heart to open the final door, you can have her inert body to...stuff or something." Maleficent privately felt she didn't want to know what WS would do with the limp body of a former Princess of Heart. Probably use her as a mannequin for her dresses or something.

"Your...associate," WS repeated disdainfully. "I hear he's some dirty Mexican teenager you plucked off the streets. I hope he isn't putting his nasty little hands where they shouldn't be."

Maleficent seethed. "For one thing, he does not _do_ _anything_ to _any_ of the Princesses, **I** make sure of that," she began, pointing an accusatory finger at WS. All Riku ever _did_ with regards to any women was mope around looking for his little girlfriend. He changed the pillows and sheets inside the containment chambers for the grown princesses, managed the IV's, and stalked out of the room, often muttering things like, "I feel like a freaking _pervert_, lousy stupid job this is..." Of course, Maleficent had no idea what went on in his teenage guy _mind_, but then she really didn't want or need to know. If WS was going to start spreading those sorts of awful rumors, Maleficent's reputation for integrity and reliability in her villainous dealings would be **_severely_** compromised.

"I'm sure," WS sniffed.

"For another thing, I do **_not_** appreciate you trying to demean the reputation of my hired help," Maleficent continued, "because that, of course, reflects badly upon myself."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," WS apologized without a hint of actual remorse. "Please excuse my abhorrent manners. I must have been enjoying your illustrious company for far too long."

Maleficent, ignoring the deliberate insult, concluded, "And for the last time, _Riku is not **MEXICAN**_!" It surprised her how much she'd ended up defending the little snot. Maybe, on some level, he reminded her of herself. She used to be quite the ball of fire back in her day, before she'd miscast that spell in fairy school and turned her skin green, lost her boyfriend, flunked out, and ended up working long hours with meager pay until she could afford a small lair on her homeworld while all the _other_ fairies got invited to cool parties and royal birth celebrations, leaving her with naught but her silly pet raven, Diablo (whom she'd almost had to eat during a tight spot), and an abiding hatred of the "popular" girls.

"I don't know how you tell," WS replied innocently (hah).

At that point, Lucifer ran up, and Maleficent lost her temper. She gave the feline a ferociously sharp kick. "Begone, hellcat," she snapped amidst his shrieking yowl and retreat to the safety of WS's arms.

"Don't treat my property in such a way," WS ordered fiercely. "It's bad enough I have to look at your hideous complexion."

Maleficent leered at her. "You are a disgrace to all female antagonists in the fantasy genre," she snarled. "Where is your sense of pride? You do no work to advance any sort of heinous machinations or personal advancement. You have no master plan. You aspire to be nothing but a lazy, lounging, chocolate-eating mother-in-law of an empty-headed Prince Charming, _and_..." she sniffed, "you do not even have a terrifying mode of entry. Do you even have a **name**?"

...Know what? She's right. WS has no name, and I'm sick of it. From now on, she's gonna be called Margarethe, from Gregory Maguire's _Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister_ (highly recommended).

Margarethe's supercilious expression never wavered in light of such accusations, an admittedly impressive feat. "I don't dabble in your ridiculous _black arts_. At least _I_ can come up with _original_ ideas for tormenting my allotted protagonists."

"What is **_that_** supposed to mean?"

Margarethe gave a condescending sneer. "Well, I heard the whole reason your silly teen isn't here is because you left him home to do the cleaning while you went to this party...I wonder where I've heard **that**?"

Maleficent flushed a darker shade of green. "You know, I wouldn't talk if I were you."

"Pray tell, why not?" Margarethe chuckled with no warmth. At least no warmth until her hair burst into searing green and black flames and she let out a piercing shriek.

"Because your hair is on fire," Maleficent finished with a grin.

XxXxX

"Hmm..." Ansem contemplated, rubbing his nonexistent chin with his equally nonexistent hand. Bob's initial pride at completing his master's mission was slowly draining away as Ansem predatorily circled the man stretched out on his stomach on the table, his hands and feet tied in front of and behind him with tendrils of darkness so that he looked like a chicken on a spit. Neither Ansem nor Bob had had a gag handy, so Bob had forced Marluxia's mouth open and wedged a ripe apple in there so hard he'd heard his jawbone creak. He resembled a suckling pig, all trussed up for some Polynesian ritual.

"Mmfflgrrghllrgh!" Marluxia wailed around his apple. His eyes were wide and terrified.

Ignoring the pink-haired man, Bob inquired, "What's wrong, Master Sexy-Sugar?" At that, Marluxia wailed louder and struggled mightily against his bonds—apparently Ansem's code name sounded like the name a pimp or pornography kingpin might adopt.

"...This..." Ansem growled, a growl that turned into a fearsome and yet somehow petulant shout:_ **"This is not the ass I requested!"**_

Bob's jaw dropped. Marluxia froze, sheet-white and shaking.

Ansem continued, "This rear end is neither muscularly sculpted nor attractively shaped—it isn't even _bootylicious_! It certainly isn't the behind _I_ saw being shaken on that dance floor, and the only explanation is that _you_ screwed up. Again. Now, I want you to go back, and get me the individual to whom the **good** ass belongs, and I want myself _in_ it by midnight. **Capische?**"

Marluxia screamed something that vaguely sounded like, "_Oh_ my _God_, he's a **_RAPIST!_**" Or possibly "crayfish", as the apple makes it hard to tell.

The little wire in Bob's brain (do Heartless have brains? No? Do they even have wires?) that connected him to his sanity (All right, I _know_ Heartless don't have sanity. Or at least not sanity as we think of it. Just flow with the metaphor while I patch the hole I just punched in the fourth wall) snapped. This latest calamity was the final straw in an entire hay bale of injustices heaped upon him by Master Ansem, and Bob would be a pink frilly bunny before he stood for another.

"You know _what_?" he bellowed at the top of his bestial lungs, at a volume not even Master Ansem had attained, lacking, of course, vocal cords in the physical world. "_Fine_! **_I QUIT!!!_**"

Ansem froze in mid-whine about the non-appetizing-ness of Marluxia's hindquarters. "You...you what?" he stammered, as if he had just been struck in the face with a two-by-four and was mystified as to why someone would do that to him with no explanation.

"YOU HEARD ME! I QUIT! I AM _SICK_ OF YOUR WHINING, AND YOUR PUT-DOWNS, AND YOUR _DIRTY MOVIES_! BUT MOST OF ALL, I AM SICK OF **YOU!!!** IN FACT, I HOPE YOU **NEVER** GET A BODY BACK! I HOPE YOU DIE _ALONE_ AND _UNLOVED!_ YOUR HAIR IS _GIRLY_, AND YOUR FASHION SENSE _**ROTS!!!**"_

Ansem gasped, "You...you...you can't _quit_! I'm a higher-ranking Heartless than you, and I **_say_** you can't quit! You—can't—STOP WALKING AWAY! YOU'RE NOT **_ALLOWED!!!_**" When Bob showed no sign of acknowledging him, Ansem wailed at the top of his nonexistent lungs, "_We could have had something special! But you're one crazy-ass _BITCH!"

"I **_HATE_** YOU AND YOUR BARRY MANILOW MUSIC!" Bob bellowed at his ex-master for the last time, and stalked off.

XxXxX

Riku was on his second piña colada when Hades showed up. "Oh, chico..." he trilled, poofing in at the bar. "I've got a deal for you."

"I thought we _already_ made a deal," Riku pointed out, punctuating this statement with a stabbing motion of his paper umbrella.

"Yes, and the deal was, I stay quiet about your illegal immigrant status in exchange for leverage on you later," Hades corrected, waving a finger at him. "And it's collection time. You've been challenged to a drinking contest, Underworld style."

Riku grinned cockily, and ripped off his blindfold for the first time that night (the tickling sensation on the bridge of his nose was irritating him). Bring it," he challenged, his now-visible cyan eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. By the way, it should be noted that his eyes and pink hair completely clashed.

Hades pointed down the length of the bar ominously. "He's the contender."

Riku followed the line of Hades' finger to see a white-haired, turquoise-eyed man throwing down a bourbon, completely unaware that he had been "pantsed"...while wearing a full-body jumpsuit. ("That makes seventeen," Demyx told Axel, high-fiving him.) "**Kadaj?**" Riku laughed. "From all that Cloud's had to say about this guy, this will be _cake_."

"Freaking sociopathic bishonen asshole," Cloud agreed amiably.

"Do you _ever_ have anything nice to say?" Demyx asked, in apparent curiosity.

Cloud replied, "Didn't I just?"

Hades looked more closely down Riku's line of sight. "No, not _him_," he impatiently corrected. He pointed about three seats down the row. "**_Him_**."

Riku looked, to meet merciless hellfire eyes burning with the promise of fates worse than death. The challenger smirked and raised a toast to Riku, drained the glass, threw it behind him to smash with a clear tinkling, and flicked a long strand of heaven-cloud platinum hair out of the way of his hellsmoke-black-feathered wing. One could hear, if one strained one's ears, several bars of "One-Winged Angel" playing in the background, complete with angelic choir.

"Oh," Riku said faintly. "**Him**."

XxXxX

Larxene felt much better after puking her guts out, so she decided to resume her quest to find the Melodious Nocturne, and... She frowned. Why did she want to find him, again? Ah, well, it didn't matter.

She stalked down the rows of tables on the far side of the cavern, zapping anyone who got in her way. Suddenly, a muffled, "LLMXSMMRMM!" reached her ears. It sounded like someone trying to shout her name around a large, blunt object. The Savage Nymph looked around, until she caught sight of...

"Oh, this is _great_," she cackled maliciously. "This is **_great_**." Larxene had stumbled upon none other than the Graceful Assassin, gagged with a large ripe apple and strapped to a table with his behind in the air. She reached out and gave the apple a tug. A bite remained in Marluxia's mouth, which he promptly spat out before speaking.

"_Larxeeeeeeene!_" he wailed. "Run! _RUN BEFORE THEY _**RAPE**_ YOU_!"

In between chuckles, Larxene asked, "Did _you_ get raped? Poor baby."

"Well, no," Marluxia admitted. "Apparently...they, um, don't like my ass."

Larxene burst into another fit of giggles. "Oh no, let me get this straight. You were _kidnapped_, tied to a _table_, and then rejected for _rape_ on the grounds that you were not **appealing** enough?" She burst into outright hysterics, banging the table as tears of (pseudo)mirth fell from her eyes.

"Don't laugh," Marluxia whined. "It causes me so much pain...on the inside...where my heart should be..."

"Marluxia!" Larxene snapped, slapping him briskly. "Listen to me. We Do Not Have Hearts. We do not have true emotions, so as soon as you start thinking about something else, your mind will _stop_ simulating the fear you should or might have felt, and you will be fine."

"Oh." Marluxia looked slightly sheepish. "Right. Yeah."

"Have you seen Number Nine around?" Larxene demanded. Marluxia thought about it. "He might be at the bar," he suggested.

"Bar. Got it," she repeated, turned around, and walked off in that direction. "Thanks."

"No problem," Marluxia shrugged. Or tried to, until he remembered that he was still tied to a table. "Uhh, Twelve? Aren't you gonna, you know, untie me?" he asked.

Larxene didn't even turn around. "Nope," she told him.

"But—wait!" he shouted despairingly, but to no avail. It was quiet where he was for another few seconds, then many pairs of bright eyes began to blink open around him on all sides, filled with predatory hunger.

_**"Marly..."**_

The Graceful Assassin chuckled nervously. "Eh-heh-heh... Nice fangirls... Good fangirls... Stay, fan—_No!_ _Don't **do** that!_ **_AAUUGHHH!!!_**"

XxXxX

_Showdown time..._

Out at the very farthest end of the bar, bobbing slightly unsteadily on the murky violet waters of the Lake of Departed Souls, a lone table stood. Floated. Whatever. At that table, four people were seated: Hades (the judge), Cloud (the overseer and liquor provider), and of course, our two duelists, Riku and Sephiroth.

The table floated some few yards away from the end of the bar. Everyone gathered there. Axel and Demyx had the prime spots, from which they could see everything.

Riku and Sephiroth sat at opposing ends, staring each other down. Each clutched a shot glass in his hand. Cloud held a bottle of some hellish cocktail marked with warning labels of all sorts: skulls, crossbones, red labels reading "DANGER!", biohazard symbols, radioactive waste symbols, recycling symbols, Mister Yuck stickers, you name it. The liquid shone with an eerie blue-white corona.

Hades turned to address the crowd. "We play _this_ contest by Underworld rules," he announced. "My barkeep, Cloud Strife, has in his hands a bottle of my own special brew. This stuff'll knock the socks off a god—and believe you me, our socks are not easily knocked.

"The match is simple: our contenders have exactly ninety seconds to down as many shots of this stuff as they can stomach." A large number 90 hung in the air over the table inscribed in numerals of blue flame. "First one to puke is automatically disqualifed. At the end of the time limit, the one with the most shots downed and held is the winner." A large zero also hung in the air over each contestant's head.

Cloud looked **_furious_** at having to pour shots for his sworn nemesis. Sephy was as cool as a cucumber. Riku had his "bite me" face on, a look he'd perfected for use on Maleficent. Hades held one hand up.

"Ready... Set... GO!" The clock flashed and began to count down, and it was on.

Riku threw back his first shot and winced. Sephy downed his, swallowed delicately, scrutinized his shotglass, and then shrugged and gestured for another.

"He's got no chance," Demyx lamented, shaking his head. "Sephiroth's got the upper hand in height, weight, pwnsomeness..."

"But Riku has one major advantage," Axel contradicted.

"What's that?"

Axel grinned. "He's a fifteen-year-old guy. And fifteen-year-old guys can stomach **anything**."

Indeed, Riku seemed to be holding his own well. However, he was behind by a shot. Twenty-seven seconds had already flown, and the score was 4-3 in favor of Sephy.

"He's got one minute," Axel said.

"I wonder if—look! They're tied!" Demyx pointed excitedly. Both Sephiroth and Riku had downed six shots, and forty-five seconds were left on the clock. "I think it's because Cloud's taking his sweet time to fill Sephy's glass," he hypothesized.

Sephiroth _had_ noticed Cloud's minor delaying tactic. He growled, brandishing his glass, and demanded, "Hit me!" Cloud slapped him across the face lightning-fast, and then sloshed some liquor into his glass, smiling sweetly.

Thirty-five seconds.

Riku fought off a wave of nausea as the room divided into fours, spun around, caught fire, and hit him repeatedly in the temples with a ballpeen hammer. He must be getting drunk _fast_. "Hit me," he gasped, and Cloud quickly filled his glass. The score was still tied at six, and both contestants tilted their glasses for a seventh.

Twenty-eight seconds.

Sephiroth "accidentally" shook the table, sending Riku's glass flying from his unsteady grip. He finished his own, and raised a perfectly shaped silver eyebrow at Riku, who gaped at him in shock and anger. "Oops," Sephy said sardonically.

Twenty seconds.

The score was now 7-6, Sephy leading, and Riku was running out of time. "I need a glass!" he frantically shouted. Hades shrugged. "No spares," he said, almost apologetically.

Thirteen seconds.

Sephiroth gestured for his eighth shot, but suddenly, Riku lunged forward and snatched the bottle out of Cloud's hand ("Oh no," Cloud said, without the slightest inflection). "Oh my, he can't be serious," Demyx gasped.

"He is," Axel confirmed.

Riku turned the bottle over and dumped its contents (all of it!) into his mouth.

A/N: ZOMG ONOZ! I love cliffies.


	8. The Principle of the Thing

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: This chapter is entirely dedicated to ChibiFrubaGirl, whose incessant begging for updates gave me a reason to go on when the humor fount was running dry. The last scene is especially dedicated to her, as it vaguely, sorta, kinda-ish, in a kinda way, hints at her OTP. There you go, CFG. Interpret it as you wish. Consider it a birthday present. Love yas.

Disclaimer: No belongy me.

**Chapter Eight:****The Principle of the Thing**

Silence fell over the Lake of Departed Souls at Riku's foolhardy act. With ten remaining seconds, Riku had just emptied the entire bottle of "Hades' Hellish Decanter of Death." Granted, he spilled the vast majority of it over his face and into his hair, but enough got into his mouth and down his throat to count as two shots' worth, putting Riku in the lead: eight shots to seven.

"No... freakin'... way." Demyx breathed.

Seven seconds.

Sephiroth snatched the bottle and up-ended it over his own face in desperation. A single drop splashed into his eye, causing him to swear and slap at himself.

Five seconds.

Riku laughed in triumph. Sephy suddenly lunged across the table in a final, last-ditch attempt to suck some liquor out of Riku's hair (which, for the record, had begun to smolder slightly). Riku let out an unbecoming shriek. "HOLY MOTHER OF—"

One second.

"—_BLEEAAAAAAAAARRGH_," he finished, vomiting violently right into Sephiroth's mane of silky argent locks.

Jaws fell on every face. One could hear the proverbial pin drop. Even Hades was struck dumb with pure, unadulterated OMG-factor. Sephiroth rose dramatically to his full height.

"There!" he shouted, livid. Regurgitated liquor and the rest of the contents of Riku's stomach dripped out of the ends of his hair, actually creating quite a dramatically frightening effect (as befitting the One-Winged Angel). "He didn't hold it, and _your_ rules say he's disqualified!" he declared, pointing at Hades with his eight-foot long katana.

Cloud rose. "No way!" he challenged, slapping the table for emphasis. "Time was **up** before he chucked! You _lost_!"

"_I __never__ lose!"_

"ACCEPT IT, YOU HOMICIDAL BISHIE MOTHERF—"

Hades clamped a hand over Cloud's mouth to stifle the obscenity. "What Master Strife _meant_ was," he hastily corrected, "your appeal is duly noted and sustained. Unless there are any more...objections?" All heads turned to Riku.

"Ughlughllghhh..." Riku gurgled, laying face down on the table. Hades smiled broadly. "Great! Then, Sephiroth is officially pronounced the victor!"

"Whatever," Sephiroth sniffed, losing interest just like that.

"And...the terms of his loss?" Hades prompted.

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed. One could almost see the very flames of hell crackling behind them. "He defaced my hair," Sephiroth declared, in a voice so cold that Hades' fire-hair sputtered. "_**Make him suffer**_." Seemingly fed up with the entire party scene, he poofed out in an explosion of black feathers, some of which still had vomit on them.

XxXxX

"I have to say, Maleficent, I'm a little disappointed in you," the Evil Queen (Snow White's evil queen, yet another nameless face for the forces of wrongdoing) told Maleficent, shaking her head. "I'd expect this sort of petty infighting amongst...henchpeople, or the catty teen-girl archetype, but not a female antagonist of your standing."

"She's had it coming for years," Maleficent defended. "At least I didn't set her cat on fire..." Unlike her relationship with the Lady Margarethe Tremaine, who as it turns out, _does_ have a canon name, Maleficent was and had always been on very good terms with the Evil Queen. Their mutual respect stemmed from being the first animated female movie villains to cause the most nightmares in small children, a feat that paved the way for gender equality in most evildoings. However, EQ was also on good terms with Tremaine, leaving her to act in the role of mediator between the two.

"I mean, appearances are very important in this day and age," EQ continued, heaving a sigh. "You, the Lady Tremaine, and I are probably the only classics left untainted by cheap thrills and money-grubbing sequel rape. We have dignity."

"Don't be so quick to say so," Maleficent warned. "Rumor has it that Margarethe has appeared in not one, but two direct-to-DVD sequels. One of which involved time-travel."

EQ's eyes got very wide. "What?" she gasped. "She...wha—two?"

Maleficent nodded solemnly, doing her best to keep a smug grin off her face. "Two."

"...I need to go talk to her," EQ abruptly said, turning on her heel and dashing off. Maleficent chuckled to herself.

"Ah, grudges, subterfuge and backstabbing. This is indeed a party," she grinned.

XxXxX

"Suffer? But...I dun' wanna suffer," Riku slurred, in response to Hades' explanation of the terms of his loss. Demyx and Axel had half-carried him back to the side of the bar not floating on the lake. "Can' I juss lissen to some Britney Shpears or summin' an' call it a night?"

"No, you _can't_—you're in trouble on the brain damage front as it is after the Sexy Back incident," Axel snapped. "Better to suffer now, while drunk, so you have a chance of forgetting it in the morning. _Not_ that I'm capable of caring whether you suffer or not, I should add..."

"I'm not drunk!" Riku protested, standing up from his barstool to do so more forcefully—and falling down. "Nev'rmind..." he added from the floor. "M' _def-il-ite-ny_ drunk, yeah..."

"Drunk? Be glad you're alive, _mi amigo_," Hades told him. "If you hadn't ralphed when you did, you'd probably be a radioactive _puddle_ by now."

"Though, since he did ralph when he did, he now faces the eternal wrath of Sephiroth, who certainly could puddle-fy him anytime he wishes," Demyx pointed out. "By the way, should his hair be steaming like that?" Little white-gray wisps of smoke were drifting up from the ends of Riku's hair, accompanied by a slight sizzling sound.

"The dye in his hair is dissolving," Axel reported.

Hades took a closer look. "By Cerberus' collar, it's turning his hair white," he whistled, impressed.

"No, it was like that," Axel and Demyx replied in unison.

"Heh-heh...puddle...fy..." Riku giggled faintly.

Hades sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "My problems are: one, Maleficent will kill me if I damage him permanently, two, as a respected G-rated bad guy, there is a limit to the amount and degree of suffering I can cause, and three, good old Sephy doesn't stick around to enforce..."

"So...why do we care?" Axel queried. "Not that we can."

"Did someone happen to mention suffering?" came a voice from thin air, and a portal of darkness opened. Zexion stepped out.

"I thought you were smashed, Emo-Lips," Axel observed.

"I'm not _emo_, and I'm no longer _smashed_, thank you," Zexion growled. Nobodies, the Organization had discovered, sober up much faster than normal humans—which made for some wild parties up at Never-Was that never turned out quite as wild as planned. (Not having hearts didn't help, either.) "I'm just here to offer my expertise as the authority on psychological torment."

"Look!" Demyx gleefully pointed out. "When you poke his tummy, he _giggles_!" He poked Riku in the middle. Riku involuntarily chuckled, and then swatted at Demyx's hand as one would a fly.

"Quit that," he objected. Demyx looked wounded.

Axel threw his hands up with a smirky expression on his face. "There! We let Demyx poke him for a few hours. Problem solved, and with nary a word from Deputy Dawg over here."

The Cloaked Schemer rolled his eyes. Demyx objected, "But, Axel... I can't do _that_."

"Do what?"

Demyx fidgeted. "I can't intentionally cause suffering—it's just not my thing."

Axel and Zexion gave Demyx a super-powered Double Disbelieving Stare. "Demyx..." Zexion began, "maybe it's hard for you to understand this, so I'll make it simple. _**You rip people's hearts out for a living.**_"

"Oh, but that's different," Demyx explained. "I can't torment people I like."

"You can't _like_ in the first place," Zexion patiently corrected.

"It's the principle of the thing!" the Melodious Nocturne protested shrilly, over Axel's hearty laughter.

Hades frowned. "Maybe I'll let you three tackle this issue yourselves; I have a party to maintain." He poofed out before Axel had a chance to object.

"Dammit," Axel swore, running a hand through his mane of red-orange spikes. "Now we're stuck with the kid again—" He paused. Demyx and Zexion looked at him quizzically. Axel glanced three feet to his left, then spoke with an air of calm only attainable by the heart-free, "Anyone _see_ the kid recently?"

XxXxX

In his state of anger and confusion, Bob did not see the black-robed man until they collided. "Watch where you're—" he started to snarl, but recoiled when he sensed that the figure before him was not in possession of a heart. Meaning he could seriously whup Bob's Heartless behind if he so chose.

The man whipped his hood back to reveal close-cropped white-blond hair, penetrating icy blue eyes, and a goatee. "Frederick?" the man snapped in annoyance. "What gives? I've got nine more debtors who owe me their hearts, and you're slacking off."

"Please forgive me, sir," Bob entreated, bowing deeply. The rule of thumb for treating individuals more powerful than oneself is: Full Grown Nobody Full Blown Suck-Up. "I believe you may have mistaken me for my brother. Perhaps Frederick has mentioned me—Bob?"

The blond man rubbed his goatee, then recognition dawned. "Oh, right! You're the weenie. He talks about you a lot—specifically to say how jealous he is that a doormat individual such as yourself could gain employment under such a fearsome and high-ranking Heartless as Ansem, Seeker of Darkness."

Bob bristled. "Weenie?! He's such a—wait a minute, _jealous_? Of _**me**_?"

The man shrugged. "I _think_ so. In all honesty, after 'being' without a heart for so long, I've begun to forget which emotions go where."

"Heh, well...he won't have to be jealous for much longer," Bob admitted. "As of twenty minutes ago, I no longer work for... Ansem." The fact alone that he managed to cut off the "Master" showed that he had come a long way.

The blond Nobody smiled. "You know, you're a lot more amiable than your brother. Why not come to work for me?"

Bob frowned. It was a big decision. "Just one question."

"Sure."

"You won't ever make me hunt down butts, will you?"

XxXxX

Frederick was walking around, slacking off and looking badass, when he was mysteriously glomped from behind by...well, he couldn't see by what. "What in—?" he growled.

"Bob, there you are, you ingrate! You're going to explain why you'd throw away our relationship, and _then_ you are going to get me some Lucky Charms, _dammit_!" Frederick turned around to rip the heart out of whoever had dared to make a fool out of him—

And nearly passed out, for standing (?) before him was none other than his idol...Ansem, Seeker of Darkness. "When I get done with you, you are going to wish you didn't—you're not Bob!" Ansem realized mid-threat without missing a beat. "Who are you and what the hell are you doing in my space?"

Frederick thumped his chest with both fists and bellowed animalistically. "LORD ANSEM!" he shouted. "I PLEDGE MY LOYALTY TO YOU!" (Such a bestial display is considered a sign of respect among Heartless—it shows "I'm tough, but I see you're tougher." Or something. All the people writing reports on Heartless behavior ended up mysteriously disappearing after a short time.) Having said so, he sank into a bow so low that his long tapering ears brushed the floor.

"Really?" Ansem had no face, but he _sounded_ surprised. "Can you cook?"

"If my lord commands," Frederick replied, internally praying that he wouldn't have to cook, ever.

Ansem grinned a marvelous grin, a grin so terrifying and cruel that it would give grown men nightmares so vivid as to make them wet their beds until their eighties (and then wet them from loss of bladder function anyway). Too bad no one could see it, as he had no face to grin with. "Then, my _new_ guardian... we shall go hunting."

Ah, if Frederick only knew what precisely he was hunting.

XxXxX

"He was right there," Zexion insisted. "And now he's gone. Remarkably fast _and_ sly for a kid functioning on enough alcohol to drop a bull elephant."

"Yeah, and he was sitting right next to _you_," Axel added, glaring at Demyx. Demyx trembled slightly.

"I didn't—"

"You didn't pay attention, because you are a pathetic excuse for a Nobody. And don't give me the teary-eyes, because you have no feelings to be hurt by such a statement," Zexion snapped.

Suddenly, Demyx stopped trembling. The fake tears left his eyes. He..._grinned_. "Oh, I know _that_," he said, pseudo-jovially. "That's why I let Riku get away on purpose."

Insert jaw-drop. Demyx continued to a stunned Zexion and Axel. "I've been playing the denial card because it sucks having no feelings, but not one of you's ever bothered to even be considerate. It doesn't take a heart to be polite, you know. Riku was, though. He reminded me of what it's like to have fun. That's why I let him get away. That's why I'm not going to help you guys look for him.

"Know _why?_" Axel and Zexion mutely shook their heads. Demyx took a deep breath. "BECAUSE HE'S MY BEST FRIEND, THAT'S WHY!" he bellowed. "And I hope, one day, you guys will find somebody who reminds you of what it's like to have a best friend as well." To complete his dramatic exit, he opened a portal of darkness and left.

Zexion said nothing. Axel said nothing. This kind of melodramatic subterfuge was something they had thought completely beyond the mental range of the Melodious Nocturne. There was nothing they could say.

Zexion finally broke the silence. "I...don't think I have ever..." he trailed off, speechless. He turned to Axel. "If you ever start this best friend crap, I will personally kill you."

"_Me?_ _Best __friend?_" It took Axel two minutes to stop laughing. "I thought the whole thing was great. Maybe we can get Saïx on this cutesy thing, too."

"Maybe Marluxia will dye his hair a manly color," Zexion quipped.

"_**YOU!!!**_" They turned to see Marluxia behind them, filled with very convincing pseudo-rage. His coat was in tatters. He had a black eye, a split lips, and his hair looked like huge handfuls had simply been ripped out.

"Don't we look gorgeous?" Axel commented.

Marluxia flung an accusing finger at Axel, ignoring the Cloaked Schemer. "It's _**your**_ fault!" he seethed. "Thanks to you, _Axel_, I was nearly butt-raped and torn to shreds!"

"Nearly? I thought you were the Graceful Ass," the Flurry of Dancing Flames innocently observed. Marluxia bared his perfect teeth, one of which was missing, and growled.

"Axel, is this the time? We should be focused on—" Zexion chided, but was interrupted by a loud announcement over the cave audio system.

"_**HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHAT?"**_

Marluxia raised a confused eyebrow. Zexion shook his head. Axel covered his face.

"Don't tell me," he moaned.

A/N: There are only two chapters left to go. GASPTH! I love you all for sticking with this. It's been a fun ride.


	9. The Anticlimactic Climax

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: Ah, the second-to-last chapter. I'll truly miss this little bit of insanity. (Of course, in the traditional egotism of authors, I'll hope you miss it as well.) Hey, wait a—It's past the year anniversary of this beast!

Wow. By the way, although I _am_ indeed a Danny Phantom fan, I thought of the ending circumstances for this chapter LITERALLY MONTHS before Reality Trip aired. So you know.

Disclaimer: Riku and the Disney/Squeenix characters belong to Disney and Squeenix. Light Yagami belongs to Viz (In the manner of Waldo, see if you can spot him!).

**Chapter Nine: The Anticlimactic Climax**

"Please don't tell me that's the kid's voice over the cave sound system," Axel calmly requested of Zexion, still with his hands over his face. "Please don't tell me he's on stage out in the open after the dye's gone out of his hair and he isn't wearing his blindfold anymore. Please don't tell me he's drawing attention to himself at a party of villains, one of whom forbade him to come. And _please_, don't tell me he's about to do something even more monumentally stupid."

"Okay, then, when _would_ you like me to tell you?" Zexion just as calmly replied.

"Preferably after I get drunk myself."

XxXxX

"Tremaine, Maleficent, I'm giving you both an ultimatum," EQ addressed the two villainesses sternly. "Either you two talk out your differences and come to a mutual understanding, or else."

"Or else what?" Maleficent muttered. EQ heard her.

"Or else I am going to get ugly—and I am _not_ pretty when I get ugly," she threatened. Tremaine stuck her tongue out at Maleficent behind EQ's back.

"Okay, I'll start," Maleficent volunteered snappishly. "Lady Tremaine, I'm afraid I despise your very existence."

"The feeling is reciprocal," Margarethe sneered.

Maleficent raised an eyebrow. "Oh, you can't stand you either?"

Tremaine bristled, but before she had time to come up with a witty rejoinder of her own, a loud announcement burst through the cavern.

"_**HEY EVERYONE! GUESS WHAT?"**_

"Hmm?" EQ cocked her head to the side in a curious listening posture, "What on earth?" Tremaine caught on first, and began chuckling in the sort of complete triumphant malicious glee that is only ever experienced by "mean girls" of the highest degree of spitefulness. Maleficent slowly brought her hand to her brow in a gesture of utter and total chagrin, and growled,

"Oh... my... god."

XxXxX

Far across the cavern, Ansem brought Frederick to a halt. "Hold up, Fred," he hissed.

"Yes, Master Ansem?" Frederick answered, inwardly cringing at the hated shortening of his long and fearsome name.

"...My _hot butt_ senses are tingling," Ansem replied after a suitable dramatic pause, and dashed off.

Frederick was stunned for a moment. "You _have_ those?" he queried incredulously, hastening to keep up.

XxXxX

Riku weaved slightly at the microphone, wondering faintly for the first time what his reason was for getting up there in the first place. He remembered realizing something that at the time had seemed of the most utter and vital importance, something that had to be shared with the general public immediately. However, he seemed to have forgotten it, which begged the question of how important it had been in the first place.

(Actually, he had been staring at his hand, and made the discovery, "hey, there are a whole bunch of _lines_ on here! And...wait a minute...everybody has _different_ lines on their hands! So...so...what if...what if we..._identified_ people like that? People could go around with big blown up pictures of the lines on their hand, and it would be like a way of telling who was where! Like, what-do-you-call-thems, the stripey horses. The ones with...with the stripes...that look kinda like those referee guys that everybody heckles. Like the one time when Wakka and Tidus and Sora and I were playing football and the ref didn't see Wakka trip Sora, who was on my team, so I punched his lights out and got kicked out of the stadium. And then Sora kicked the winning goal, the ingrate. Geez, there could be a symbolic foreshadowing reference here if I looked hard enough. Let's see, uhh..._**zebras**_! Zebras are the stripey horses! People could be zebras because of their hands! I have to tell _everyone!_..." You get the idea.)

However, he had said "guess what," so he supposed he should tell them something while he was up here. Hey, he could be the life of the party if he wanted, right?

"I juss wanna tell yuh'all that...you guys're awesome people," Riku began, slur-speaking into the microphone. Much of the cavern was at attention now, to see what the crazy white-headed kid wanted. "I mean, s'r'sly. For a bunch of guys that're supposed to be, like, totally evil bad-ass mo...mother...bad-asses, you are great people. I wan' you to give y'r'selves a big round of applause." A small hesitant series of claps skittered around the cavern—most of them felt amused and kind of honored, but didn't want to look like idiots in front of their peers. Two or three of the lesser-evil villains actually felt so good about themselves, they had moral crises and left the party to turn their lives in a new direction. (Of course, they were also drunk.)

"Honessly, it's been a pleash'r to be here in this lov'rely Underworld," Riku continued, feeling slightly more confident. "I mean, where else could a decent fifteen-year-old kid go to have a couple rounds and a good time dancin' with several of these lovely ladies?" Many girls squealed with sudden recognization of the mysterious young man with the good booty with whom they had previously danced. He winked in their direction. "Not at any lame-assh 'good guy' party, I'll tell yah! But here...It's like...We're totally free, man! Free to be the bad-ass mofos we know we are! We dun' have to pretend for society, yo! Lemme' hear yuh shout, brothas!" Several people actually shouted, and another smattering of applause went around, more strongly than before. They liked what they were hearing.

"Like, say I were this big, big…Say I were the most huge bad-ass weather system on the west coast of South America," Riku continued. Several villains gave each other quizzical looks, as if to ask how people could be weather systems. "Here, I c'd juss barge right on in, n'say, 'I am _El Niño_! For those of you who don't _hablo español_, _El Niño_ is Spanish for…" Riku weaved and put a hand to his forehead, as if to summon up all the knowledge of the Spanish language he possessed. There wasn't much. "_**The Niño!**_" he finished, throwing his arms in the air in a V for victory.

XxXxX

"Oh, would you listen?" Lady Tremaine said sweetly, putting a hand to her ear. "Sounds like the boy really _is_ Mexican."

"Well, I could have told her so," Hades commented, poofing in with a smile infuriating enough to rival Riku's own patented "triumph smirk". "Hey, listen up—I think I can hear Chris spinning in his grave down there," he added cheerfully, pointing in the direction of the Caves of the Dead.

Maleficent growled, "How long did you know?"

"He was in that drinking contest. Don't you pay attention?" Hades retorted. "Geez, lock a kid up at home and not let him go to a party—you sound like present company."

"Bite me," Margarethe challenged.

Maleficent sighed, "I'm putting a stop to this." She poofed out.

Hades and Margarethe growled at the same time, "Stupid freaking witch."

XxXxX

Axel, Zexion, and Marluxia had managed to find Saïx. "Where is the Melodious Nocturne?" Saïx inquired.

"He left after a melodramatic speech about goodness and friendship and crap," Axel informed him.

"Fruitcake," Marluxia muttered. Zexion snorted behind a hand at the irony.

The Luna Diviner rubbed his forehead in between his X-shaped scar. "Good, I don't have to deal with him."

Axel was keeping an eye on Riku up on stage. One of his fangirls shrieked, "Sing something for us!"

"Sing? Do I look like Mamoru Freakin' Miyano to you?" Riku demanded. On Marluxia's other side, a brown-headed guy of high-school age sneezed violently before resuming asking people's names and jotting them down in a black notebook.

"Oh, great, she's down to the voice actor jokes now," Axel sighed.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to break the fourth wall?" Saïx demanded.

Before Axel could answer, a heavily built guy with green eyes and close-cut white hair accompanied by an effeminate man with long white hair and eyes the same shade bumped into him. "You remind me of a guy I really don't like," the burly one accused Axel.

"Say 'excuse me' when you bump people. Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?" Axel retorted.

The well-built man burst into sudden tears. "D-Did you _hear_ what he _said_, Yazoo? Did you _hear?_" he sobbed into the shoulder of his long-haired companion. Yazoo glared at them.

"Fourth wall jokes and more VA material. We're getting close now," Axel muttered.

XxXxX

"We're getting close now, Frederick. I can feel it in my bones," Ansem reassured his Heartless companion.

"You have no bones at the moment, O Seeker of Darkness," Frederick reminded him.

"Not for long, my faithful guardian," Ansem chuckled evilly. "Not for long." A string of "mwa-ha-has" followed his proclamation.

"Sir, if we're so close, why are we stopping to laugh evilly? Shouldn't we be capturing the individual to whom the desired booty belongs?" Frederick asked, proving that he at least wasn't stupid.

"Fred, Fred, Fred, there is always time to laugh maniacally," Ansem told Frederick firmly. "But, you are partly right. It's booty snatching time." He glided forward to the stage, getting closer to the object of his night-long butt hunt. He reached out a nonexistent hand—

_**POOF.**_

XxXxX

Maleficent infinitesimally paused. That hadn't felt quite right.

XxXxX

Backstage, Frederick hastened to comfort his master, who seemed like he was in some sort of distress only capable of being felt by a being of pure malevolent spirit. "OH MY GOD, SHE POOFED INTO MY FACE," Ansem wailed.

"I'm sure you'll be okay, Master Ansem, I mean, you are very own—"

"SHE POOFED INTO MY FACE—"

"—ful and menacing—"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRED, MY FACE HAS BEEN DEFILED BY THE HELL-BUTT OF A WITCH WITH AWFUL FASHION SENSE—"

"—wait, you don't even _have_ a face!"

XxXxX

Figuring she must simply have displaced the molecular structure of a fly or something, Maleficent stalked up behind Riku, who hadn't even noticed her. "And when I say I want a _soda_, I by God want a _teeth-rotting_, _attention-span-shrinking_, _nail-dissolving_ beast of a Coca-Cola with enough sugar in suspension to meet the needs of a busload _of elementary kids_. _I DO NOT WANT A DIET!_" he was raging, to mounting cheers, applause and shouts of agreement from the throng.

Maleficent, with great dramatic flair, pinched Riku by the left ear very solidly. "And speaking of elementary kids," she growled, "guess who's going to be in charge of cleaning out the Behemoth feeding pit for the next three months?"

"Ahh-ahh-nnh—there _is_ no Behem'th feedin' pit," Riku gasped, extricating his ear from her painful grip.

"Then you'll be building one!" Maleficent snapped.

Riku looked out over the masses of screaming fans and seemed to gain inner strength and confidence. "No! You can't make me!" he protested, skittering away several feet. "We're the voice of the revolution now! Raise your voices, my brothers and sisters in bad-ass-ity!" he riled the crowd into a frenzy of cheering. Seeing that Maleficent was looming ever closer, he shouted loudest of all, "**MOSH PIT!!!**" and leapt off the stage.

It took a few seconds to realize that the crowd had suddenly fallen silent. It also took a few moments for Riku to recognize that there was no way to get back on stage.

Riku learned a very important lesson that day:

No matter what the circumstances or no matter how popular you may be...

_**Villains don't mosh pit.**_


	10. The Epilogue

**The Party from Hell**

There's a party in the Underworld! All of the major villains are invited, but what's this? Maleficent won't let her newest ally attend? Well...Riku's going to go anyway! Insanity, drinking contests, and Chris Farley impersonations abound!

A/N: So, I've done it. I've finally finished my first ever chaptered fanfiction.

Many thanks go out to Jade Rhade and GreenEggsandSam, for being my original betas.

Thanks to ChibiFrubaGirl, whose incessant review-stalking kept my creative spirit alive.

Thanks to DCwyverx's _Kingdom Hearts: The Stupid Files_, which believe it or not inspired much of this crap.

Thanks to Chris Farley, for making me laugh and whose El Niño skit was the original inspiration to begin with.

_And thanks to each and every one of you reviewers. :D_

Disclaimer: NOT MINE.

**Chapter Ten:****The Epilogue**

_Betwixt and Between..._

"Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose," Axel shrugged at the wheel of Seven Eight Nine's tour bus. "Demyx learned to stick up for himself, we finally got that kid off our backs, and I have blackmail material to use against Marluxia for months."

"You owe me five munny, by the way," Saïx added.

"What for?"

"You bet me you'd get me to loosen up by the end of the party, did you not?" Saïx calmly pointed out.

"Oh yeah..." Axel pondered. "Whaddaya say double or nothing on the next party?"

"Done," Saïx said before even registering what the deal was. When he did realize what exactly was said, he paled. "Wait... What do you mean, _next party?_"

Axel grinned his famed pyromaniacal grin. "Well, it wouldn't be Disney _**or**_ Squeenix without an endless chain of sequels, would it?"

From the back of the bus, an angry shriek forestalled Saïx's response:

"_**WHAT THE HELL DID YOU GUYS DO WITH MY PINK HAIR DYE???"**_

XxXxX

_Meanwhile, at the Castle that Never Was..._

"So, Demyx," Larxene purred, "I hear you totally burned Axel."

"Well," Demyx said, grinning and rubbing the back of his neck, "I wouldn't call it that..."

"That is _so_ hot," Larxene continued. "Want to come to my room for a second?"

Demyx stared at her suspiciously. "You're being really out of character. What gives?"

"I got a new set of thumbscrews off eBay, and I want someone to test them on," Larxene admitted.

"Cool. I'm there."

XxXxX

After the party, all the villains got to their respective homeworlds safely, with the exception of the ones who had been Shadow-fied by the punch. Their creators immediately either wrote them out of their shows, novels, or urban legends, or alternatively paid Vexen to Replicate them.

Vexen made a lot of munny, and splurged on voice actors for all three of Xemnas' Sexies. Currently, he is saving up for English ones to complete the set.

XxXxX

_Once upon a time in Mexico..._

"_Excusas me_, but have you seen this butt?" Ansem demanded, holding up a grainy photo taken at the party.

The native woman he had approached shrieked, "_Diablo!_" and ran off screaming.

"You'd think they'd never seen a talking coat and a Guardian Heartless before," Frederick commented.

"Are you _**quite sure**_ this is where Hades said the hot-butt kid was from?" Ansem queried his assistant, crossing his nonexistent arms and mentally pouting.

"Positive. Besides, even if it isn't, I _so_ nominate this place as my private getaway once we conquer the worlds," Frederick added, flexing his muscular arms and grinning at some bikini babes.

Ansem straightened, lifting a dramatic fist towards the sky.

"I so swear, I will search all of Mexico if I must, but _I will find you_, "Rico" of the hot butt. _**I swear it on the life of all worlds!"**_

XxXxX

_And finally, in a random hallway in the Ruins of Hollow Bastion..._

Maleficent serenely strolled down a random hallway. Her heels made neat little _click click click_ noises on the pristine floor tiles. In front of a single unmarked door, she paused, cocked an ear at the slit between door and wall, then cracked an evil smile and opened the door.

It swung inwards to reveal a room so black that the door may have simply opened into the Realm of Darkness itself. The single window had been covered with several set of black sheets, the walls and floor tiles had been painted black, and even the mirror on the wall had been covered so as to keep a single ray of light from entering the room and disturbing its single occupant.

Thus the open door, though the exceedingly dim light outside was hardly brighter than the darkness inside the room, forced the lump of cloth and blankets beneath the bed to shift as the person laying under them curled into a fetal position "_Nnnnnnnnngh_," came a barely distinguishable whine.

"Up and at them, party animal," Maleficent ordered. "You've been asleep for sixteen hours."

A single baleful red-rimmed eye opened behind a gap in the bedsheets. "_Stop walking so loud_," a voice begged in a pathetic whisper.

Maleficent chuckled, and turned to continue down the hall. "I could have warned you," she cackled. "Go to the Party from Hell, and you'll only wake up with the Hangover from Hell."

**--OWARI--**


End file.
